So I’m pale. Straight up. If a claw were to drop down from the sky, pick me up from the back of my shirt and drop me in Ireland, I don’t think people would blink twice. The sad part is I’m 50% Italian, and not just Italian, Sicilian. Oh yeah, I should have some olive tint to my skin … SOMETHING. But no, the universe instead decided to play a cheap, awful trick on me that not only makes me work like a dog to get tan, but when I do expose my skin to intense sunlight, I burn like a mofo and end up with days of itchy agony. Damn you, universe, damn you :::shaking first violently::::.
Sure being sun-kissed makes everything better from mood to makeup, but after years of torturing myself with sun burns, itchy skin, sun poisoning, scars from said sun poisoning, rashes and any other gross thing you can think of that can happen to your skin … I threw in the tanning towel. I decided to embrace my paleness, like Cate Blanchett with that gorg ivory skin. Well … until now.
So my best friend, the girl who is like my sister, is getting married in a little over a month. I’ve decided I’m going to, for once, go all out in regards to looking as fabulous as fabulous can get. I’m getting my hair, makeup, toes, nails did … getting waxed and what not. The whole freaking 9. So I picture myself in all of this fabulousness, my body all Kardashian-ed out (minus the junk in the trunk), the dress, the shoes … and my pasty, pale skin? What? Yeah so here is my dilemma … to fake and bake or to spray tan … that is the question.
I truly loathe fake and baking for the following reasons: 1. A little thing called “GTL.” Yep, I’m already from Jersey and I do have Italian in me, so I’m scared I’m going to lay in the bed and 15 minutes later come out saying “I’M GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE, BITCH!” Cue music from Psycho. 2. The smell. You know what I’m talking about, that distinct scent that makes you remember you are getting cancer. 3. It is cancer in a box. But at the end of the day, if done in the right bed, it will give you a nice healthy glow. People go tanning not to just fit the “guerilla, juicehead” look, kids. What the MTV doesn’t tell is that people tan to help depression and to give them a little life to their skin. That being said, it is still terrible for you.
Then there is spray tanning. Cancer-free, yet the risk of walking away looking like a Oompa Loompa. Walking down the aisle with orange skin? I mean slap a green wig on me and I’ll start singing, “Oompa Loompa doopity doo … I … got … a … spray … tan … like … a … damn … fool.” No thanks. How do these actresses do it? I know they all dig the spray tans … yet I see woman in everyday life looking like a weird combo of Snooki and a minion of Willy Wonka. I am looking for the perfect spray tan. Some people look for the perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect apartment, the perfect life … I just want the perfect damn spray tan. Spray tan fairy … please help me.
So unfortunately I’m leaning towards purchasing a damn tanning package right now. Something I haven’t done since i was like 18. Ugh. Beauty doesn’t just hurt … it is a God damn pain in the ass … and could potentially give you cancer and make you fist pump. This coming from someone whose skin is see through. Hmph.