I don’t know if you are aware … but it’s Christmas time. In fact, it has been Christmas time since like mid-October. They started off slowly in stores like pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkin candy, Christmas tree, ghost, goblin, Santa … but now since we are like a solid week away from when it is ACTUALLY Christmas time, stores have said “screw it” let’s start this shit early.
In other news, I happen to love Christmas time. The lights, decorations, music … ahh it doesn’t get any better than that. But some people (not naming names … but you know who are you are) take it upon themselves to turn Christmas time into the cheesiest cheesefest of the year … making me want to said … vom. So besides Nat King Cole, Michael Jackson at a young age, the isle of misfit toys and caramel Santas … here are the things that make me want to vom during Christmas time … ahem.
Jeweler Commercials: My God. Mom trimming the tree as Dad swoops in holding a Kay Jewelers box with a Jane Seymour exclusive open heart necklace inside. Umm yeah … here’s what’s up. I don’t want a fake diamond necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman … okay? If every kiss begins with Kay then I’m going to become celibate. Clueless men out there… from me to you … think outside the Kay Jewelers box.
Lexus Commercials: I love it. A woman wakes up Christmas morning and her perfect golden retriever runs over to her wearing a red bow with a key at the end of the ribbon. She looks at it puzzled as her hubby motions to the window where she looks out and exclaims … “OH MY GOD … YOU GOT ME A LEXUS?!” Really? Who buys anyone a Lexus for anything let alone as a Christmas present. No one. I get Forever 21 PJ bottoms and I’m like to the moon happy. And how do you hide a Lexus from someone? What … did he like creep out of bed at 5 a.m., walk to where the car was, drive it in the garage and just pull a ridiculously large bow out of his ass? Huh? Honestly, seems like a lot of work. Pssst … advertisers for Lexus, this isn’t real life.
Couples Who Take Pictures in Front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree: Okay so New York is kind of amazing all the time … but during the holidays it is just straight up magical. But there is nothing that makes me want to unfriend you more than if you post a picture of you and your significant other, your bestie, or whomever else in front of that tree during Christmas. It’s just … unoriginal … corny even? So note to self, you post a picture of this and you are straight up getting unfriended … you’ve been warned. Take a picture in front of the holiday Barneys window … then we’ll talk.
People Who Use Santacon As An Excuse To Dress Slutty: Like it wasn’t bad enough that Halloween has turned into an excuse for females to buy out Victoria’s Secret, pop on a pair of ears and call themselves “a mouse … duh,” but now Christmas?! Come on. Take your American Apparel red tights, you hooker boots, and your furry coats someplace else. Same goes for Rudolph and the elves. Santa has a beard, he’s fat as all hell, he gets down with milk and cookies whenever he can, and he’s a gentle old man. How is this sexy?! For shame …
The Neiman Marcus Holiday Catalog: For the sheer fact I can’t even fathom affording ANYTHING in this book … it makes me weep. It is beautiful, over the top fantastic … yet :::sigh::: out of my reach. One day Neiman … but for now … you make me want to vom out of sheer sadness. Sorry I can’t buy my significant other a jet this year … shucks. Oh well … I suppose a cheese sandwich and a yo-yo will have to do.
People Who Wear Ugly Christmas Sweaters To Be Ironic: I blame Urban Outfitters and hipsters for this one. Ugly Christmas sweater parties took off when I was in college … and sure it’s funny to watch your friends strutting around drunk in a snowman embroidered turtleneck. But honestly … it’s over. Some granny’s still enjoy a good snowman sweater! What about them! Huh?! It isn’t cool, it isn’t cute, it isn’t creative (anymore) and it is the gateway fashion statement to dressing like a slut. You host an ugly Christmas sweater party and just expect someone to dress like a whore reindeer … just sayin’. You did this to yourself.
Malls/People Who Shop at Malls: Ew. I swear, malls turn into the center of hell once Black Friday hits. You’ve got the crazies, the temperature becomes equivalent to the equator, babies are ALWAYS crying at octaves only dogs can hear, sales associates want to hang themselves which therefore create a hostile shopping environment (trust me, I’ve been that sales associate before), and people turn into lunatics that will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get that “great deal,” including: Cursing, causing a scene, telling off innocent sales associates because they can, throwing shit, getting in legit fist fights (I’ve seen in), participating in a tug of war over a piece of clothing, creating a stampede, etc., etc., etc. Woof … I’ll hide behind my laptop and online shop in my bed as I eat bon bons, kay thanks. See ya never, crazies.
If You Exclaim on Facebook “Aren’t I the Luckiest Girl in the World”: Some guys hit it out of the park when it comes to Christmas gifts. The will pull something out of left field and give you the gift of all gifts. Fantastic. But no need to take a picture of it, post … “OH EM GEEEEEEEE … aren’t I the LUCKIEST girl in the world!? ” Fine … you’re excited and want the entire world to know how fab your significant other is … but just so we’re clear AGAIN … I’m going to unfriend you. Instead of posting on Facebook, perhaps go run into the street and scream what you would make your status and see how idiotic you sound. “OH EM GEE, Bobby just got me the new black suede clutch from COACH, AREN’T I THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WOR …” and before you even get the words out, I guarantee someone will tell you to shut the hell up. Point proven.
Ahhhh and there you have it. Harsh? Absolutely … but I speaks the truth. No I am not a man hater, nor do I hate “love,” but I do want you to remember that Christmas is more than what is under your tree. Boom.
In other news … I can’t wait to play N’Sync Christmas! Right?! Who is with me!