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Jan 10 2013
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Makeup

Things I Don’t Have The Balls To Do

Screen shot 2013-01-10 at 10.09.32 PMIt has taken me a long time to turn into the person I am today. There was a time where I barely spoke, let alone have the nerve to write a blog post with the word “balls” in it (sorry family). I’m finally at the point in my life where I’m like kind of okay with pushing boundaries … kind of. But there is one thing I still just CANNOT do …

… and that is walk out of my house without a drop of makeup on. 

I know, I know … what the HELL is wrong with me, right? I thought, maybe I should go to a therapist, figure out what the core of this issue is. Perhaps I secretly hate myself? Maybe it stems from years of repressed teenage rage? Or is it that I’ve come to find makeup as the mask I use to hide behind society and all of its pure evils!

Nope … here is what’s up. A. I love makeup. I love the way it looks, feels, smells … I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT :::kicks legs up in the air::: And B. I look a hot mess without it. For serious. I’m not one of those girls that walks out of the shower all dewy (ps. I loathe that word, why did I just use it) and fresh, ready to take on the world. Oh hell no. Those Neutrogena commercials are bullshit. My skin, pre-airbrushed, ain’t perfect, to say the least. Blotchy spots, blemishes, and dry skin for days. Woof.

Yes, moisturizer is my bestie. But even if I lather on the cream, it still doesn’t make me instantaneously human being-friendly. My skin may be hydrated, but the blotchy, blemish bullshit is still very much present. Only now my skin looks super glossy … ick … sick, not sexy.

But there are a few instances where you will see me leave my house sans makeup:

1. If I’m Legit Sick (like I was this week): I could care less if my face makes you want to run in a cave and hide for the rest of your life. I honestly feel bad for my doctor and the people I come across in his office, because that man only sees me when I’m like a stage 5 hot mess. I’m like the Queen of all hot messes out there. But you know what, I could care less. When I’m that sick, a parade of ex-boyfriends could strut through his office and I still wouldn’t give a shit. I’m lucky if I’m not drooling on myself at that point.

2. If I’m Super Glow-Fab Tan: Perfectly sun-kissed skin doesn’t need makeup. Maybe a pop of mascara, but besides that … I’m going to rock out with the free bronzer, yo.

3. If There Is An Emergency: If someone is in the hospital, if someone needs my help, if on the face scale of pain you say you are at a 10 where the smiley face doesn’t even look like a smiley face anymore because it is wincing so badly … yes, I will drop everything, including my makeup bag, and run to you.

4. From The Shower To My Makeup Table: I’ll be makeup-free in that like five-minute window, so if you are that desperate to see me without … try to catch me then.

5. When I Sleep: I don’t sleep with makeup on … soberly. I believe it speeds up the aging process and I’m trying to look like I’m in my 20′s forevah-evah. So I am very diligent about removing it before bedtime and applying expensive anti-aging (it’s best to start now) … unless I’m drunk. You have a better chance of seeing me make out with Justin Timberlake than me actually taking off my makeup before bed whilst under the influence of vodka. Either way, I’m waking up looking a hot mess.

So there you have it. I am confident enough to admit that makeup for me is a comfort blanket of some sort. Without it I absolutely feel naked, and even worse, I have less swagger, if you will.

At the end of the day, we want to give into trends and all this ridiculously expensive beauty nonsense to make our swagger that much stronger. A good bag of makeup that makes your feel beautiful has the power to change your whole day. And a good day can change your whole world … trust me, that’s all it takes.

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Jan 06 2013
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Makeup

Anxiety In The Makeup Department

Ulta counter email to LG for blog 7-10-062013 is here and I don’t know about you, but I get the urge to revamp every aspect of my life this time of year. I feel empowered to work harder, try new things, get healthy (although I am not one of those diet-obsessed/gym membership-crazed freaks), and really just get the urge to start kicking ass and taking names. It feels amazing … even if I know it may or may not last.

But I also find myself VERY bored with my overall appearance. I’m literally yawning at myself in the mirror. I feel like my hair style hasn’t changed since early 2002, which concerns me. Have you ever seen those women with the hairstyles from the 1980′s who think they look absolutely smashing, but clearly are unaware of the fact that 20 years have passed? Am I that person now?! Are ” the kids” laughing at me saying like, “wow, nice straight hair from 2002, granny!” Eek!

So I had an Ulta gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and thought why not start revamping my look with some new glam-a-lam. There were two definite things I ran out of that I needed, but besides that I had an open mind. When I got there, I had extreme makeup ADD. My mind was literally going, “oh Stila, but wait … Smashbox lip glosses?! OMG stop … Bare Minerals … ahhh!” Like I could NOT focus for the life of me.

In essence … here is why I cannot shop in stores that strictly just sell beauty products.

1. The pretty colors distract me: I know, I’m five. But seriously, the way the makeup lines are set up with all the pretty colors and containers exposed makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on one thing. I’m like jumping from lip glosses to shadows to different brands to hair dryers in seconds. Not only that it’s like lip glosses, eye shadows, nail polishes, hair styling tools, spa items, bags, hair accessories … like my sweet Jesus … enter anxiety attack stage left.

2. Idiots Work There: I mean no disrespect and I’m not saying ALL people that work in these stores are idiots, but if you are working in a department that sells $40 lip glosses … you should probably know a thing or two about A. customer service and B. the product itself. I was clearly wandering around like a lost fool in front of these two sales associates today who were having a really vibrant conversation about their college experience and what they wanted to do with their lives. “:::twirls hair::: Like I have a broadcasting degree … but like, you can’t really do a lot with it, so I’m just here for now until I figure something else out.” Seriously, that’s fantastic and all … I’m glad your educated, but mama needs help picking out products. Help a sista out, for the love of God! They didn’t even acknowledge me, and I really didn’t want to ask their opinions because I just had this inkling that they would turn me into Snooki. And yeah … no.

3. Brand Overload: We all have brands that we are loyal to for one reason or another, but like I said … new year, time to branch out a little. But how do you know what is good and what isn’t? Sure, you can read all the reviews and ask for opinions … but at the end of the day everyone’s skin and style is different, so really you are forced to just test products blindly. No offense, but buying a $20 eye liner without knowing for a fact that I am going to adore it doesn’t seem too appealing to me. They blind us with brand bling … yet I have no guarantees.

4. The Necessities: I went into Ulta for two products, but had an open mind for some new thangs. I found myself torn between what I needed and what I wanted. I wanted to try out a dark red lipstick, but I needed new gold-ish eye shadow because I knew I was going to run out shortly. I wanted the cool new colors from Smashbox, but needed a new Mascara. Hence why I was walking around the department like a lost fool. The stylish angel on my shoulder was pushing me one way while the saucy devil on the other was trying to get me to do bad things.

5. I’m Super Cheap: The beauty behind Sephora is that they don’t give you the “cheaper” option. They are literally like too f-ing bad … we have high-end brands and if you must go slightly cheaper, we have the Sephora brand for you … which is still kind of pricy. But with Ulta you have one side full of glitzy, higher-end brands, and then the classic Revlon, Almay, Covergirl, etc. on the other side. So when I find a $20 designer eye shadow and fall in love with it … I end up going to the other side to go find it for cheaper. That’s just how I roll.

So there ya have it. I literally didn’t step out of my makeup comfort zone because I got so overwhelmed by all of the above. Sigh … damn you Ulta … you’ve won this one.

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Aug 30 2012
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Makeup

Turning Makeup Chaos Into Makeup Sense

 

I’m a notorious pack rat. I save every little tiny piece of everything to have a “memory.” And according to the shelf on top of my closet, I have far too many memories to store since I risk a box of Hallmark cards from 1995 falling on my head and giving me a concussion every time I enter my closet. It is not just keepsakes that I hang on to … oh no. Makeup hoarding a whole ‘nother hoarding issue to deal with.
Check out Exhibit A. to the left. Yes, that is a Nordstrom bag pretty much filled with makeup that I tossed after going on a violent cleaning rampage whilst listening to the Blueprint III. I basically use five or six products on my face every day. Maybe seven if I’m putting my fancy pants on for the night. So I thought to myself, why in Jesus Christ’s name do I have a horrific drawer filled to the brim with nonsense that I never use, making it hard for me to track down the makeup I actually want to apply, which in turn makes me late.
It wasn’t just makeup that was filling my makeup drawer with chaos, it was excess nonsense that was turning my drawer into the land of cray-cray. Eye liner shavings, caps from God only knows what, three bottles of red nail polish, all old as hell, all half empty (#problems), my hair (yes, I straighten my hair at my vanity, which is where my makeup drawer is … and I shed like a mofo), boxes from makeup I’ve purchased and never thrown out, old razors (yeah, I know … I questioned that one too), black powder (I’m hoping it was eye shadow and that someone was not trying to poison me secretly) … and so much other ridiculous crap.
So if you feel like your makeup drawer is like the cave of wonders holding nonsense you could do without, learn how I transformed my makeup drawer, Exhibit A to the left, by asking myself the following questions … ahem:
1. Have you worn this in the past month? If not, toss.
2. Was it expensive? Doesn’t really matter if you haven’t worn it in the past month, toss.
3. Is this a color/product you have been holding out on to because you need time to experiment with it but haven’t gotten around to it? Toss … you’ll never get around to it if you haven’t already.
4. Are you just saving this makeup for a “what if” scenario? Have you been saving it since college? Toss … if a “what if” pops up there is an Ulta/Sephora on almost every corner next to all Starbucks now.
5. Is it absolutely disgusting to the point that it creeps you out to even touch. Toss!
6. Are you just saving it because it is a cute sample size and makes you happy. Toss … and for the love and get a therapist while you’re at it.
7. Do you have 17 of the same product … all half empty (like my mascara issue)? Toss it ALL and start fresh, unless they are different brands.
8. Do you find yourself collecting said item (like me and my empty bottles of perfume)? Who has room for that kind of shit … toss!
9. Are you just hanging on to shitty makeup brushes so it looks like you have numerous different kinds like the experts tell you to? TOSS … shitty brushes don’t count.
10. Are you saving all this shitty, old makeup so it looks like you have an overflowing drawer? Toss it all. Christ, less is more when it comes to makeup. Quality over quantity. No one is ever going to look at your makeup drawer expect you and maybe your roommates, significant other, and/or best friends once in a blue moon. All people who will not care if you have 10 really great makeup products over 100 old, probably useless and outdated ones.
And after asking myself the above 10 questions, behold Exhibit B, my makeup drawer of perfection! Sure it looks bare, but having the chaos eliminated is truly amazing. Do you understand how genius it is to put my hand in my makeup drawer and not pull it out to discover a weird powder or liquid on it!? Ah-mazing.
I suggest all makeup drawer owners to ask yourself those 10 questions. Coming from a girl who has a makeup hoarding issue and literally had makeup from her college years (yes … college … I won’t date myself by saying how long ago that was) and was keeping it for the “what if” factor making my makeup drawer look like swamp thing, you can do it. I have faith in you. Turn on the Blueprint III and get to business. Less is more and remember, this is your face and body. Take care of it properly!

 

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Aug 12 2012
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Makeup

And I Just Wanted A New Bronzer …

After getting a good nights rest, for once … I threw on a pair of skinny jeans, my Rolling Stones T-shirt, threw my hair (which was overdue to be washed) in a messy bun, put on some oversized shades so I could hide from the world because I looked a hot mess and went out on my quest for the day: To invest in a new bronzer. Why not Sephora? Well … too many expensive temptations there. Ulta’s higher end makeup section is more refined. I don’t like asking for a bronzer recommendation and being offered YSL’s latest color palette, okay. Homegirl is on a budget. At Ulta you can either go to the land of Smashbox or Benefit, and if they aren’t doing it for me then I move over to the world of Revlon and Maybelline. Genius and affordable.

So I go in … minding my own business, investigating the mascara’s when this fantastic guy asked if I needed any help. Wasn’t wearing an Ulta shirt or name tag? Had better makeup on than any woman in the place? Hello makeup rep … how ya doing? Rule number 1: Only trust the makeup advice of actual makeup reps when wandering around these places lonesome. They know how to apply makeup and know the brands and how they function. So I politely said, “no thank you,” but then said to myself, honestly what would it hurt to get his opinion on what would look best on me. Remember … I judge a makeup artist by the makeup they wear … and he passed with flying colors.

So I walked over and retracted my statement about how I didn’t need help. He told me to sit down at his station and then flew away to get products … uh oh. I made it clear that all I wanted was a simple bronzer, yet he came over with all of this jazz. Primer, blush, foundation/blush, all these brushes … my God. Turns out he was a Laura Geller rep and all of this was Laura Geller makeup. I knew I looked heinous. My skin was all broken out, I was barely wearing any makeup … but Christ … did I need all of this?

After giving me my Ph.D. in Laura Geller makeup, he started with a face primer and explained every aspect of it … every. aspect. It was kinda fab … I’ll give him that much and yea … I did end up buying it. It is called Spackle Tinted Under Make-up Primer and feels like spa heaven when applied. But then it was like this foundation-ey looking stuff … then blush … then eye shadow … then the blush that turns into eye shadow. Applying all these different colors to different parts of my face. Sitting there trying to act interested but wondering how the hell I ended up sitting here acting interested in a makeup brand I have never even heard of. Typical me.

You know what the worst part was. Sitting there … mirrorless, listening to the whole spheal, getting done-up by a complete stranger who may or may not know what he/she is doing and wondering the whole time if you will look fab or a hot tranny mess. The makeup was weightless … which was a good sign, but I still had my doubts. There was too many different colors and brushes going every which way. He then allowed me to review his work and the minute the mirror hit my face I had to pull out my voice and enthusiasm I keep tucked away for during the holidays when I get horrendous gifts. It was a lot if look … I’ll leave it at that. My cheeks were a different color that my chin, my forehead was a different color than my nose … and my neck was still pale as shit. But oh no … he wasn’t done.

So then he starts on my eyes. Yes people, I have blue eyes. Correct. And yes, golds and browns make blue eyes pop. NOT ORANGE. For the love of Christ. NOT ORANGE. This is the SECOND makeup artist that has applied orange God damn eye shadow to my eyes. Seriously, why is there even an orange eye shadow. And not only that … but applying it up to my eyebrows and like all the way close to my temples? Like, what? Seriously, what? I looked like an ex-broadway actress who lives in an alleyway in NYC by a dumpster who only wears a mink coat, pearls, has lipstick on her teeth and lots and lots o’ cats.

I had come into Ulta just wanting a simple new bronzer, and all of a sudden I had spent 45 minutes in some makeup artists chair and turned into a done-up mess. Dirty hair thrown up in a hot mess bun, vintage Rolling Stones T-shirt and jeans … and I pretty much was ready for the prom, and not in a good way. He STILL wasn’t done though. THEN there was the lipstick. But oh no, this lipstick had vitamin E in it and didn’t even really feel like lipstick because who wears lipstick there days … yeah I get it … LET. ME. GO.

So I ended up settling with the tinted primer, which they ran of out. Christ. Then I felt bad because this dude had just spent 45 minutes selling me on the ways of Laura Geller and I ended up walking away with just Benefit mascara. Wait … didn’t I go there for bronzer? Yeah, that’s what I thought to. Instead I got roofied by Laura Geller’s henchman.

Lesson learned: Keep your head down and mouth shut when makeup shopping … and do your research in advance.

In other news … I think I got brainwashed by that Laura Geller rep … because I can’t stop saying her name. Laura Geller, she’s so hot right now … Laura Geller.

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Apr 17 2012
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Makeup

Judging A Makeup Artist By The Makeup They Wear

Okay, so maybe, JUST maybe I’m a tinsy bit of a closet control freak. Just maybe. I’m learning this about myself the older I get. I don’t like to pass my work off because by the time I explain everything I could have done it myself, I like doing things a certain way, I like the way I drive over other people, I mean there are just certain things that I like to steer and have complete control over. Makeup and hair being two of my most important.

So I can do basic makeup like a champ. I can turn myself from a grizzly bear when I wake up to a functioning looking human being that won’t make children cry. But when it comes to taking day makeup and turning it into a more dramatic nighttime look well, it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. I’ve tried, I’ve REALLY tried. I’ve read the articles, I’ve gotten “The Smokey Eye for Dummies,” I’ve watched videos on YouTube and NOTHING helps me. I end up just looking like I did my makeup for work only with a slightly darker eye. Hmph.

So this weekend I had a party to go to and didn’t want to have to worry about fighting with my makeup in the bathroom, getting stressed out and having to pour myself a cocktail before the party even began. I just wanted a smoky eye, the rest I could handle on my own. So I marched myself into Sephora and had one of the girls show me how to do the smoky eye. Okay, some background information. 1. I have blue eyes, 2. Gold and browns make blue eyes pop, 3. Sephora happens to be promoting the Pantone color of the year which is Tangerine. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this.

I also hate to admit this, but I hardcore judge a woman who does my makeup by how she does her makeup. If you’re a makeup artist, your makeup is flawless, beautiful, makes you want to know how she did all that jazz. It might be a little outlandish even, but cool enough to make you want to try it on yourself. If you look like a clown, I’m kindly walking away. The girl I got paired with was very simple looking, sweet and excited to show me how to do a smoky eye, but was over the top eager to use gold to do the smokey eye, which should have been red flag number 1, but since I use gold as my everyday eye color, I went along with it.

The thing that rocks about Sephora is that this whole shabang was completely free. I stood in the middle of the store as this kind girl applied makeup on me as she explained what she was doing. But red flag number 2, and when I should have pretended I left a credit card in another store or something, was when I saw her dip the brush in dark brown eye shadow and go literally around my eye brow with it. Uhhhh … what? My best friend was with me getting fake eyelashes applied and the look on her face the more this girl applied more and more shadow onto my face was priceless. If expressions could talk hers would have said, “holy shit … you look like a tranny mess.”

The worst part is knowing you look like shit and when they say, “All done! Go to the mirror and see how fantastic you look, girl!” Ugh. Balls. The minute my eyes locked with my reflection I felt a mixture of shock, disappointment and sadness over what a hot tranny mess I had become. Brown eye shadow like on my temple and on the side of my eye, a gold color that was waaaaay too close to tangerine for my liking on the top of my lid. Sweet. Christ. So in an instant I had to bottle up that mixture of awful emotions, look in the mirror, smile and say, “OH EM GEEEEE, thank you so much … it is exactly what I wanted … EEEE!” I didn’t want to hurt the poor girls feelings at all because it was free and she did work hard to show me had to apply this tranny hot mess look. But apart of me wondered how she thought this looked beautiful in any way, shape or form.

So after I thanked her in an over-the-top fashion, the minute she turned the corner I decided to reexamine my new look and see if I over reacted, which only infuriated me more because I got an up close and personal look at how horrific it truly was. So I quietly asked the woman applying my friends eye lashes for some makeup remover and tried to make myself look like, oh you know, myself again. That’s the thing, I was quiet about my disdain for my new look, but even if I paid for it, I would have felt HORRIBLE telling her I hated it. I know how badly it sucks to know you went in the totally wrong direction of what someone wanted. So I hid for fear I would hurt this poor girls feelings and started removing the dark brown eye shadow from my eyebrow region. Ugh, I mean that was the part that made me the most upset. I think the girl applying the eyelashes thought I was cra-cra because I just kept looking in the mirror saying, “Really? Why? Come on. Ugh. REALLY?!”

Let me make this clear, I am not hating on Sephora or that kind girl who showed me the wrong way to smoky eye land. A lot of other places make you buy like $50 worth of merchandise before touching your face. So I’ll give Sephora props for this service. You get what you don’t pay for. I’m just saying I’ve found only ONE person in my existence who has done my makeup with minimal explanation of what I wanted and made me look like a rock star. Others have done an awful smoky eye with sparkly red, Judy Garland lips (hello junior prom), another woman put pink pink blush on me with like a nude lip gloss (I mean, what?) It truly is makeup roulette when working with an artist.

Ugh. Makeup. What a fabulous bitch.

Jun 28 2011
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Makeup

The Power of a Red Pout

It can be difficult to dig yourself out of what seems like an endless emotion hole, and I have to admit this weekend I was in a deep one. But there gets to a point where you have to say to yourself, ENOUGH, get up and do that one thing that brings your joy. For me, my Sundays are spent shopping and or doing research for my writing (which involves shopping). And sometimes throwing on a pair of jeans with a comfy shopping shirt isn’t enough to make you want to get out of that said “funk,” so other reinforcements need to be called in. For me, it was the red lipstick.

I do not have an Angelina Jolie pout in any way in fact I have the opposite. I’m pale, I have faded freckles, blue eyes and right now my hair is long and dark brown, until I get bored. But throwing on that vintage t-shirt, skinny’s and then a red lip literally made me feel like I was carrying a vile of my brother’s blood around my neck … well maybe not that crazytown … but confidence was instilled is what I am getting at.

So what constitutes the right red? First of all, avoid orange and pink tones … ick. Second of all, make sure your lips are moisturized before applying this kind of intense lip stick, otherwise it will not spread evenly and you will look the ultimate hot mess. We are going for the confident, “I don’t give a fuck about you fools,” look … not the, “hi, I have 15 cats and I read encyclopedias for fun,” look. Mac has some great shades to play around with, but my favorite is Russian Red. It is everything the name says and don’t worry about it coming off … because it never will, trust.

If you just want to run out to your local pharmacy, I always go straight to Revlon. From nail polishes to rouge … they know what is up outside of Sephora’s walls. Revlon Matte Really Red is a great start and really lets you indulge in the true pop of red.

Don’t be afraid of red lips … take it for a test drive when you are going shopping, running errands … or even sitting watching a movie. It is just another opportunity to feel like a new, better you.

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