Sweet Jesus. I only frequent Halloween Stores for specific accessories, and this time I was on the hunt for a top hat. I found one, but A. there was no mirror in sight, B. the top hat was $10 (Hi, I’m cheap) and C. As I put the silly top hat on my head, I almost immediately regretted the decision as I had no idea who or what had tried the hat on before me. Ick. I then high tailed it out of that joint.

So I thought to myself, if I never ever want to step foot into a Halloween Super Store with heinous children running amuck, skank costumes hanging pathetically on a hook, and random items throw about with god only knows what all over them … I decided to list a couple of Halloween ideas for the girl who wants to be someone else for the night while looking fabulously fashion forward and chic.

1. Black Swan- First of all, the makeup itself is to die for. The big black eyes, the burgundy lips, I mean you can take the all white face or leave it … the eyes alone are the definition of sexy. Put on some hot tights (whore it up all you want), a tutu or some tulle-esque skirt, feather it up, a black tank top and a bling crown … and VUELA … you are Natalie Portman for the night.

2. Karl Lagerfeld- I know I mentioned this in a past post, but being an old man can be sexy because menswear … is sexy. So what if he is an old man, he speaks French and runs shit at Chanel. And if people don’t know who you are well … you probably shouldn’t speak to them anyways. This is a fantastic excuse to wear a lot of leather, like fingerless leather gloves, that is a must. Throw on a pair of tight black skinny pants, a white button down (another excuse to whore it up, if you must), a skinny black tie and a black blazer. Top the look off with some black shades and a skinny black tie in a bow. Leave the gray hair at home.

3. Slash- You know … from Guns N’ Roses … Sweet Child of Mine? No? Anyways, I’ll share a little secret with you, this is what yours truly will be rocking! And quite frankly another great excuse to wear leather. All you need is to ‘fro out your hair, in a sex hair kind of way, rock some black liquid leggings, a rock and roll t-shirt, or perhaps a leather vest, a top hat and some shades. Makeup wise, go for a red lip or a really smokey eye. You can even carry around a fake guitar and perhaps a bottle of Jack Daniels. You know, really inhibit the body of a true rock star.

4. Mod- I’m not a fan of wearing wigs all night at a party or out to the bar, but for this costume, you might need to. Luckily this is a really trendy look right now, so go for hardcore color blocking looks … but feel free to take it to the next level. Mix patterns, rock a black and white stripped dress with a pair of black and white polka-dotted tights. Wear some fierce pointy paten leather black heels or high to the sky go-go boots, straight blunt hair (with bangs if possible). Mod makeup is my fav. A dark black eye, with over accentuated lashes and a pink lip. If you want to have even more fun with this look, try a blue eye shadow (it isn’t as scary as it looks, I promise).

5. Olsen Twin/Rachel Zoe- Prepare yourselves because there is no way in blazing hell you can make this look sexy, but if you really don’t give a shit, go for the gold girl. Really all this involves is wearing a maxi dress/skirt, with a huge sweater over it, a pair of huge, ridiculous stilettos, a HUGE pair of sunglasses, a shocking red lip, crazed, non-brushed, wavy sex hair and wear a beanie, and walk around like a troll saying things like “BA-NANAS, I DIE,” or if you are an Olsen twin, just look 100 percent stuck up with a puckered lip. Hello lazy lady’s halloween costume.

In the meantime … I’m still in search of my fabulous top hat.