Why I Would Be the Worst Victoria’s Secret Model

Ah the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The only night where any straight man would rather watch a fashion show than do anything else as women sit there all across the country vowing to never eat ever again while calling said “angels” bitchy freaks of nature. And in light of the fashion show being filmed tomorrow, one of my favorite blogs out there, The Cut on NYMag.com, gave some insight into what Adriana Lima’s diet consists of in order to prepare herself for the show.

After reading this article and thinking about past Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows that I have watched (which I do not watch anymore because I don’t support the way they fit their bras with fit models instead of actual sizing), I’ve come to the conclusion that in no way, shape or form could I EVER be a Victoria’s Secret Model, and here is why:

Reason Number 1: 

Adriana Lima: Cuts out almost all fats and carbs from her diet.

Me: I could probably tolerate this for MAYBE a week, and that is being generous. Where is the fun in life without carbs and fats? After a week I would probably turn into Ursula from the Little Mermaid, you know that wretched, fat, ugly, mean-spirited hag who, with her rage, shrinks men to like slimy little creatures and keeps in glass jars. Yep, me off carbs in a nutshell.

Reason Number 2: 

Adriana Lima: Works out two times a day, for three days a week, which consists of jumping rope, boxing and lifting weights with a personal trainer.

Me: Sure, so okay I’ll wake up at 4 a.m., get a two-hour workout in before I go to work. Work from 9-5:30 plus some, go to the gym from 7-9 p.m., then worry about finding something to eat with no carbs or fat, take a shower, write for a couple of hours … that will leave me with like, what … four or five hours of sleep? No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl. No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl. No carbs and no sleep make Kate a dull girl … … …

Reason Number 3: 

Adriana Lima: Drinks a gallon of water A DAY

Me: Okay, I drink a healthy amount of water a day … and let me tell you all I do is run back and forth to the bathroom to pee. So I can only imagine if I were to increase my water intake to a GALLON a day, a good portion of it would consist of me peeing. Home girl must have a bladder made of steel, but I personally cannot rationalize spending this much time peeing throughout the day. It is no way to waste precious moments … life is too short.

Reason Number 4:

Adriana Lima: Only drinks protein shakes nine days before the show … NO SOLIDS.

Me: At this point, I would absolutely have tried to stab someone by now. 1. How is this healthy, 2. How do protein shakes satisfy any cravings … I mean is this chick really a chick? Every girl gets cravings so badly that she breaks down and runs to McDonald’s to get those salty fries or something. I get it, if I were getting paid MILLIONS of dollars to strut down a runway in front of the whole world wearing only floss, I would get down with some protein shakes, but as a regular lady … I would punt that protein shake and go get myself some “solids,” a.k.a. normal human food.

Reason Number 5: 

Adriana Lima: Two days before the show she will stop drinking the gallon of water per day and will “drink normally.”

Me: My first question would be, “does drinking normally mean vodka?”

Reason Number 6: 

Adriana Lima: 12 hours before the show she stops drinking completely, because apparently you can lose eight pounds this way.

Me: The loss of eight pounds is enticing, sure, but what about the thirst issue? She has to get cotton mouth. Honestly, how is that sexy? I wouldn’t want to strut down a runway in a bra and panties with cotton mouth, praying to jesus I’m not foaming at the mouth. I mean is sucking on a peppermint allowed? Or is that too solidified? Christ.

So if you are one of those girls who likes to hang pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on your fridge or snack drawer so you don’t eat, rip them off immediately. Unless you are willing to take on this guerilla warfare-esque diet … know that a silly picture will not make you put down the Cheez-Its.

Obtaining a figure like that is their full-time gig. But even so, if I had all the money in the world and could afford a personal trainer and a cook and someone to force me to have a sick body, I would still have my chef make me a grilled cheese and chase it down with a vodka martini.

***This blog post was written as I snacked on left over Halloween candy. I bet Adriana Lima has cotton mouth right about now … mmm. 

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