I’m Turning Into The Michelin Man

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m starting to feel like the Michelin man. I usually don’t give in to the “holiday munchies” but I swear to Jesus, everyone thought it would be a fantastic idea to give chocolates, and carmel popcorn, and sugar cookies and every other kind of delicious junk food there is as presents instead of donating $25 in my name to a charity or something. And it would be rude to not enjoy said delicious junk, right? So therefore I’ve been in a legit food coma since Thanksgiving, I mean … gross.

But let me tell you a little secret about myself … I don’t believe in scales. I look at them as little boxes made by Satan that have the potential to not only ruin your self-esteem and self-image, but ruin your day as well just by sputtering off some random number. I just want to punt them all across the room … well, except my best friends scale that literally told me my weight was a number I haven’t seen since I was like in seventh grade … glorious. Listen, at the end of the day, if my pants don’t make me feel like a stuffed sausage, I’m a happy camper.

But all of this makes me think about New Year’s resolutions. They are such, excuse my French, bullshit. I instead name my years so I have something to reflect upon all 365 days. For example, last year was “Kate 2011, if you never try you never know.” I stopped resolutting because all they do is fade to black two weeks into the new year. Right before the ball drops, you drunkenly exclaim, “God dammit, I’m done drinking, I’m done eating my face off, I’m done with that asshole.” Blah, blah, blah … empty promises, empty promises, empty promises.

But one of the most infamous resolutions I hear from friends and family is this one: “I’m never eating ever again, I’m going on a diet, I’m going to get healthy.” But after the month and a half of eating terribly and not having time to go to the gym because of the parties and the present buying and the work and the cookie making and the present wrapping and all of the other nonsense, I hate to say it, but I feel like I need to be one of those people. In fact, I’ve already named 2012, “the year of not eating.” (Just kidding, I do not condone starvation … I literally would turn into a witch).

I’m not making empty promises to myself though. It isn’t because I want to lose 10 pounds or because I want to fit in a certain piece of clothing or because I want to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. Quite frankly it is because my body feels like it is dying inside from lack of healthy eating. I’m sluggish, I’m weak, I’m tired and I just feel bloated and rundown. It truly is a terrible feeling.

So I would like to welcome you to a little thing I call “Tour Weight.” Tour Weight is something my family says when we want to get back to being healthy. This was inspired by Mick Jagger, who when he is about to go on a world tour, immediately starts working out, eating right and getting his body in shape. So like him, I’m getting my body ready to … you know … not feel like death anymore.

I don’t believe in gyms, in fact I only joined one because of the fantastic yoga studio that is located within mine, so therefore I’m a yogi. Machines and weights at the gym freak me out and for some reason whenever I get on one, even with iPod on, people insist upon striking up a conversation with me or telling me my shoe lace is untied or claiming went to high school together or something, even though I don’t remember. Hi, can’t you see I’m on a freaking steep incline, could you please desist, kay thanks, bye. So therefore I hide in the yoga studio where I can center and obtain a fierce and fulfilling workout for mind, body and soul … and talking isn’t allowed … so namaste, friends.

I’m literally taking the next two days to eat like a monster and then starts Tour Weight. Why am I doing this? Well, I want to feel better and motivated and not like the Michelin Man … it isn’t a good look. When I’m fully immersed in yoga and eating right and drinking lots of water, everything I put on feels and looks fantastic … even makeup. Weird, but true.

So don’t be one of those drunken fools on New Year’s Eve sputtering off these nonsensical sentence fragments about losing weight … and then stop going to the gym January 15th. Make a resolution to not make resolutions. It will do the body good.

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