Okay so this is the time of the year when I’m blind with optimism. All of my 2011 sins got washed away when the ball dropped, and now what sits in front of me is a blank canvas for me to Jackson Pollock-style splash with success in my career, great memories, health and happiness for my friends and family, and so on and so forth … you get the idea.

But I need to be a bit blunt right now, so bare with me: I found myself reading some fashion predictions for 2012 and it made me want to bang my head against the wall until I passed out and woke up back in 2011. Yes, I mean for the love of God, what has 2012 done so far that made the fashion Gods subject us all to this vast amount of heinousness? I won’t blame the website who pulled together said slide show though, as they are just going by the unfortunate cold hard facts … and quite frankly I’m obsessed with them just a tad (shout out to Refinery29.com). But seriously … I don’t know if I can handle this.

I won’t go over all of them, but here are the top few things that frightened me the most. I call this my, “Hell No Fashion in 2012,” list.

1. Drop-Wait Dresses: Models and stick figures alike, go nuts. For the rest of us normal folk with curves and a ba-donk … we are screwed. I’m all for vintage throwbacks, but I am much more into showing off the gifts God gave me … no matter how imperfect they may be. I find that this dress style accentuates the “jiggly bits” in the most non-flattering way possible. Would I put this on a four-year old? Yes. Would I wear one? Nope.

2. Coiffed Hair: God dammit, I just mastered the whole wild, unmanaged yet fabulous, I just rolled of bed but I’m wearing couture and I am about to walk down a runway, flowing hair thing. Now all of a sudden you expect me to sit in front of my vanity taming ever piece of hair on my head? Like, do I have to buy hair spray and gel again? For real, I need to dust off my hair brush? Grrr … :::Sigh:::

3. Baseball Caps: What? I mean, are you kidding me? I’ve never been known as the sporty spice kind of gal. I feel the purpose of baseball caps are for celebs who need to hide from paparazzi, sports fans and for the occasional bad hair day. I look heinous in hats personally because my head is massive (unfortunate but true). But dear lord, to make baseball caps a trend with like designs on them? How much more Blossom could you possible get. Listen, I would much rather rock a Phillies baseball cap than one covered in flowery fabric … yeah, I said it.

4. Platform Sneakers: Tell me something, will we all be running around giving peace signs and saying “GIRL POWER!” in british accents again? Should I start sputtering off nonsensical phrases like “zig-a-zig-ah” again, too? My poor mother, okay so when I was in middle school, the amount of money I drained out of her so I could have the 2 inch platform sneakers from Steve Madden is probably disgusting. I’m hanging my head in shame. They are awful. 2000 called, they want their platform sneaks back.

5. Loose Fit Jeans: I gave into the whole “boyfriend jean” craze a couple of years ago, in fact I still rock them when I want to have ultimate comfort, yet not look like a slob. But these jeans, tight in some places, loose in others … I just don’t get it. I barely have an ass as it is, why do I need a pair of ill-fitting jeans to accentuate that fact even more? Like tight in the thigh, baggy in the crotch (I mean, what and why?) and baggy around the ankle. How do I work with something like this? Please, someone tell me how!

Sorry to blow your mind with ugliness. If this is what our future holds for us this year, then I am thoroughly scared.

Reference of said ugliness: http://www.refinery29.com/2012-fashion-trend-predictions