Okay, so some people want to learn how to “Dougie.” Me … well … I want to learn how to successfully shop online.

I come across like a girl who can online shop her ass off, I know I do. But I’m afraid, friends that it is all a sick allusion. What I lack in online shopping skills, I more than make up for in actual in-store shopping, so at least I have that going for me.

With one click of a browser button, we literally have the world’s largest mall at our finger tips. Anything you could ever fathom or want is right there, it is just a matter of finding it. I remember when I was little I would think of these crazy outfits in my head and would get so frustrated because I couldn’t find them anywhere. And hell, let’s be honest, I still think of these grandiose, perfect outfits that don’t exist. But online shopping makes them a reality … a reality that for some reason I cannot pull the trigger on.

So I was looking for a specific dress. I designed it in my head and decided to take the time and scour the Internet looking for it. It was cotton, quarter length sleeves, either v-neck or boat neck, just not turtle neck or scoop neck, color was flexible, length was to my knee and it couldn’t be too tight. You know, not specific or anything at all. But fantastic websites like Shopstyle.com and ASOS.com make dresses like the one I dreamed up very easy to find. You can specify price, color, size, make … I mean the options are endless. And even though I was specially looking for something, I wanted to keep an open mind. If I was going to successfully online shop, I was going to give it my a-game.

ASOS.com, for example, had pages and pages AND PAGES of dresses. Any kind of style, shape, color, size, if you were pregnant, curvy, petite, there was something for you. They even had a video of a model walking the runway wearing the dress so you could see how it moved. I spent what felt like hours on here, throwing stuff in my cart, some for realsies, some for funsies. And then, after I decided I wasted  enough of my life on this site, I checked out my cart.

I don’t know what it was, perhaps that I was dealing with a fake cart with pictures of potential items I had never touched within it, but it was ridiculously easy for me to be like, “eh, I don’t need it.” “Who do I think I am trying to rock this.” “Honestly, that color would never work.” But here is the thing. When I shop at Forever 21, probably 63% (I know that is a random number, but it is 95.6% accurate) of the stuff I try on is for “funsies” and I usually end up liking a lot of it. Or I’ll have too much in the “yes” pile and find myself constructing crazy reasons for me to buy all of it … which usually works. “This makes me look super skinny, SOLD.” “I can totally wear this leather skirt to work, with a tasteful cardigan of course.” But here I am, all of this stuff in my fake online cart, and I toss EVERYTHING. After all of that time shopping online, I walked away empty-handed. Awful. Who gets shoppers remorse whilst online shopping? This guy.

My issue is that I see more cons than pros with this form of shopping. Yes, I have a sea of options in my size and everything, but it is almost overwhelming. So when it comes down to it, here is why I can’t online shop.

1. I have Varuka Sault disease … meaning I want it NOW DADDY! Uh huh … I don’t want to wait 5 business days to get my goods. And quite frankly I’m too cheap to pay for express shipping. If I’m shelling out dollah dollah bills, I want the product in front of me instantaneously. Hey Bill Gates, why don’t you make a computer that can print out Forever 21 clothes … hmmm new invention much?  You’re welcome.

2. I hate not knowing what I’m getting. Sure, I can look at their measurement chart and figure out the right size, but the fabric could be shit, the cut could be all wrong, the color, which looked like a normal blue, could, in reality, look like an electric, neon, cracked out blue. Honestly, after waiting for something, getting it and then realizing it is insanely ugly is a big risk for me, for anyone. What a let down. I’m in advertising, okay … I know the sneaky tricks of making something heinous looking look like it was birthed from Lagerfeld himself. You aren’t fooling me, no sir.

3. Like I said, because it isn’t in front of me, I become seduced by shoppers remorse. All of a sudden I don’t need those 15 shirts because staring at a picture of some hot model rocking it isn’t stopping me  front thinking, “hmm … I could just wait a day and go to the mall and find exactly what I’m looking for.” CLICK, CLICK … DELETED.

So at the end of the day, the only time I successfully online shop is when I find something in the store that I love so much I would sell myself on the black market to own and it isn’t in my size. Then I run to my computer and purchase. Or during Christmas time, because bitches be crazy in the mall during this time and I want NOTHING to do with that section of existence.

True, having clothes or accessories come in the mail is a really fun treat to have to look forward to. But in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t online shop, shopping is my cardio.” Word, Bradshaw, word.