spring 2012

Cue the Violins: Beauty Hurts In The Heat

Okay, I would be more excited for spring to be here tomorrow if it didn’t already feel like the middle of July. Good lord. I went from wearing a long wool coat, sweaters and over the knee boots two weeks ago to like stripping down to my skivvies to stay cool. Honestly global warming, really?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving the warmer weather. The chance to open up the windows and let some fresh air into our lives, beautiful flowers, annoying birds chirping … windows down listening to good music on the way to work … it doesn’t get much better than that. But with warmer weather comes with a more … oh what is the word … ah yes, irritating … beauty routine.

Sure it may seem like we can just transition from stockings, boots, sweaters and jeans into cute little, barely there sun dresses with sandals … but do you realize our bodies have been in hibernation since the first frost. Oh yeah … we’re like bears. Those frigid months when you have to bundle up are genius because there are certain things you don’t technically have to pay as much attention to as you would in the warmer months.

So to be a bit of a Debbie Downer on the eve of spring’s arrival … here are just a few reasons why it sucks to be a lady when it feels like we are living in Satan’s kitchen.

Annoyance #1. The Fact that I Look like Casper the friendly ghosts Cousin: What can I say, I have Irish skin … even though I’m half Sicilian and should have olive color skin, but that is neither here nor there at this point (damn you genes!). So if I want to get tan, I burn and have to go through hell and back to make that happen. So after years of torturing myself, I’ve kind of thrown in the towel and embraced my pale, pale skin tone. But again, after months of rocking stockings and long pants … having to expose the world to my pale skin … is well, kind of painful. Ghostly pale skin doesn’t scream “I’m too sexy for this outfit” let me tell you … unless you’re into the vampires … then, well, I STILL don’t want to talk to you. I’m good with denial and just choosing to not look down at my legs, thank you very much.

Annoyance #2. Hair Removal: Ugh I’m going to be brash enough to deem this as the shittiest part of it getting warmer out. For example, say you are really tired in the middle of December, have to go into the office early and don’t feel like shaving your legs. Hi, you don’t have to. Sure, it might not be the best thing, but who cares? At the end of the day, you’re throwing on pants and no one will ever know … you’ll do it tomorrow, you swear. But now, since it is 100,000 degrees outside, we as ladies need to stay on top of that shizzle … every … day, otherwise people will throw fruit at us or something. I mean we all know how much effort it takes to shave your legs and do it well. So if you’re having a lazy day and don’t want to melt in the office, you have to suck it up and get-er done. Woof.

Annoyance #3: The Skank Factor: Okay, there is a reason why I like the colder months better. If you are cold, no matter where you are, for the most part, you can fix it. Layers upon layers solves that problem, right? But when you are boiling hot, say, oh I don’t know … at work … what the hell do you do? You can only take so much off before you find yourself sitting in the HR woman’s office reading a pamphlet on how exposing yourself at work is considered sexual harassment. I mean they make all of these adorable sun dresses that are great for hot days, and then you just find a blazer or cardigan to cover yourself up whilst in the office. But for those days when the AC isn’t on yet, and it is stifling hot … honestly I don’t think anyone will pass out if I expose a little more shoulder than usual by taking off my cardigan and showing the spaghetti straps of my dress. As long as all your jiggly bits are tucked away appropriately, I don’t see how exposing more arm is a dress code violation, seriously people.

Annoyance #4. Keeping My Nails Did: I don’t know about you, but when it is chilly, my toes never see the light of day. It isn’t like I ignore them and become a sideshow act (ick, honestly the fact that I’m even writing about this is giving me the chills right now). I still get pedicures … but there is less of an urgency to maintain a cute nail color. Now all of a sudden when you wake up to put on those strappy sandals, you have to make sure your toes look public appropriate.

Here is to the start of spring … ladies, hope you are motivated.


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