Hi my name is Kate and I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole known as “50 Shades of Grey.” This book honestly should come with a pop up support group. It is contagious. My best friend turned me on to it (no pun intended), and in the past two days I’ve gotten two of my friends at work reading it … which they are probably in a haze of Grey right now.
Let me be clear. This might be one of the worst fiction phenomenons I’ve EVER read. EVER. Sentences don’t make sense, there is absolutely no plot and the character of Anastasia Steele is so flat and idiotic that is it infuriating. As a writer and editor … I cringe at myself for reading this nonsense. She is constantly talking to her “inner goddess” and giving herself mental hive fives for doing idiotic things someone graduating college SHOULD be doing, for the love of Christ. But why is almost every American woman reading this? Well … we all secretly, or not so secretly, want a Christian Grey in our lives. I know I do. So there it is … I’ve said it.
So I’m a VERY visual person. And, well, if you haven’t heard already … this novel is QUITE graphic. So while my eyes skim the plotless life of Anastasia Steele … I can’t help but think who would play her in the potential movie they are making. I have a pretty clear picture of who would play Christian Grey. But Anastasia Steele is a harder character to cast. She is apparently stunning, sexy, irresistible. Yet seems incredibly inexperienced in life and slightly idiotic. Book smart, sure … but street smarts is where she lacks. “Do I have email? What?” She also seems to have a tom-boyish style, not really giving too much thought to fashion and lusting over her roommates apparent fabulous wardrobe. Simple halter dresses and camisole tops? Like “oooh let me take off your camisole and jean skirt babe.” Hi … not sexy. You’re dating a gorgeous, smart, cultured, bazillionaire … get your shit together, Ana.
Now after some thought and contemplation over who would play Anastasia’s role with friends who are reading the book … I think we have some great candidates. Because the Anastasia Steele who would be in MY “50 Shades of Grey” the movie would still be stunning and irresistible. Fine .. she can still be a nitwit lacking in the street smarts arena … but she will be a fashion plate … dammit. I mean we are going to want movie-goers to WANT to be her and not because of Christian. And Christian Grey deserves Chanel … not Aeropostale.
So if by any chance a Hollywood producer wants my opinion on what fashionable movie star could play her … here are my thoughts, ahem:
Rooney Mara: I like her … even though I hear she is a bit of a pill. But she is a method actress, owns the role. But home girl needs to mold herself back into her Social Network look … because right now I feel like she could potentially play the dominant role … which Christian wouldn’t appreciate at all. She would get her ass beat in the Red Room of Pain. So settle down there, girl. Say no to the black mohawk and yes to the mousey brown hair.
This Rooney Mara …
Not this Rooney Mara …
Elizabeth Olsen: I’m going to be honest with you … I’ve never seen a drop of her work. Love her sisters … don’t know much about her. Let’s darken her hair because I see Ana as a brunette, lose the red lips, and keep the stylish clothing. This is a girl who knows what to do with a Macbook but MIGHT not know what to do in the bedroom. It’s perfection.
Mia Wasikowska: You might remember her from such films as Alice in Wonderland (which I adore). She seems soft-spoken and laid back if anything. We need to make her a little more neurotic … a little less hippy-chic. She looks like a girl who could live in her thoughts like Ana does. Keep the soft makeup, splash her with some chic looks and she might be a good candidate.
My vote is for Social Network-style Rooney Mara.
And so help me, Jesus. If they cast Kristen Stewart … I will personally create an event to burn every SINGLE one of these awful novels. I would use my PR connects to make it national news in fact. She. Cannot. Act. Stop trying to make her happen … it isn’t going to happen.
Also, same goes for Chloe DesChanel. Don’t. Get. Me. Started. It is bad enough she has tainted Apple with her idiotic hipster ways … but not this book. Nope. NOT up in here.
Side Note: If you find this novel to be as awfully addictive as I do … you NEED to read this fabulous Tumblr called “50 Shades of Suck.” Basically, this fantastic woman says all the things we longed to say whilst reading. Tip of the cap to you my friend … well done.