I knew this was going to happen. With all of the months of planning and anticipating this wedding, I knew I would blink and it would be over. And here I am post-wedding glow and kind of like, “did that just happen?”

Listen, I am, for the most part, a very modest person. I rarely ever give myself props for looking good, I don’t like to show-off great outfits, I blush and get very uncomfortable when people give me compliments … I am kind of quiet in that sense. But Saturday morning after I got my hair and makeup did … it may have been the best I’ve ever looked in my life. In fact, I have to give props to Suede Salon in Marlton, New Jersey. Not only did they make me look and feel like a Kardashian … but they hit it out of the park with the entire bridal party … especially the bride, my best friend, who looked stunning. Seriously, I was waiting for one out of six girls to have either bad hair or tranny-chic makeup … but all of us looked beautiful in our own ways. If you live around this area, I highly recommend this salon … and that is saying a lot since we know my trust issues with hair and makeup people.

But I thought I would share with you some lessons I learned during my role as a bridesmaid: Ahem, …

1. Spray tans aren’t as bad as I thought. I was beyond uncomfortable having to get partially naked in front of a complete stranger, but it turns out, this was a high-class salon, these people are professionals and I’m a paranoid freak. And now I’m kind of obsessed with being tan.

2. Life sucks in a strapless dress, too. Our bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous. But even though I got it altered, it still just kept wanting to fall down all night. That is the nature of the saucy strapless dress. Yet I was completely suffocated by the corset that was on the inside. I even applied fashion tape around my chest area (I know I’m getting really graphic here), and not only did the tape not work, showed in certain pictures because my dress kept falling down, but when i went to remove the tape from my skin, it took off my spray tan so now I have really awkward marks. Another example why my blog title is so damn accurate.

3. Jumping pictures in four-inch heels … not fun. At. All. After a long day of standing at alters, mingling, saying hi to people, meeting people for the first time, waiting around, salivating over cocktails, taking bazilions of pictures … the last thing you want to hear when wearing 4 inch heels in the heat, in the grass mind you, is that we will be taking a jumping picture. Awkward, unnecessary and completely cheesy. Times like these I’m glad things like vodka bars were invented.

4. You will not get drunk if you are a bridesmaid. Maybe I’m just easily distracted … no, I absolutely am easily distracted. So if you think you are going to get crunk at da reception … think again. Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough, I don’t know, but at least I didn’t wake up with a hangover, right?

5. You will not want to go to bed once the wedding is finished. Why? Because you’ll know the minute you hit the pillow your beautiful gown will be off, and your fabulous hair and makeup will turn back into a pumpkin in a sense. I got my makeup airbrushed on and it was thoroughly amazing. I knew I was going to bed looking like Kate Middleton on her wedding day and would wake up looking like a gothic freak who lives in an attic and likes to stare at fire for funsies.