On my way home from work yesterday, I started thinking about all of the ridiculous fads I’ve fallen into throughout the years. Elementary through high school … I was all about keeping up with Joneses, if you will. If wearing scuba diving flippers to school was considered “cool,” I probably would have rocked them. Awful, right?
I mean we’ve all had that “what the eff was I thinking with that outfit” moment, especially those of us who survived the 80’s. I was a solid two years old when the 80’s ended, but if I had the chance I probably would have been Madonna’s clone and bought stock in Aqua Net.
So instead of burning pictures and pretending years of my life never happened, I’m proudly waving my fashion disasters proudly … because at a certain point, ya just gotta laugh at them, right?
1. Not Just ONE Popped Collar, but Numerous Popped Collars (vom): I got through ALL of high school without falling down the Abercrombie/Hollister rabbit hole … until the summer before I went to college. I don’t know if it was the fact that my college was notoriously preppy, or I felt the need to get in touch with my skater/surfer side … but literally, there was a solid year where I layered numerous popped collars at once with jean skirts, paint covered jeans, ripped jeans … you name it. Finding a Polo Outlet was like finding Jesus, I swear. Really … someone should have handed me the memo earlier that I’m not preppy.
2. Velour Juicy Sweat Suits: My GOD. These things were like gold in high school and quite frankly all I wanted in life. I was jobless and paying $80-$88 a pop for each piece was a little steep for my mother (rightly so). But I finally landed one … on sale of course, when newer styles started to come out. But looking back, they never fit right. The pants were always too short on me, the zip-ups were like belly shirts, and they weren’t comfortable. It just is not okay to wear one color of velour … from head-to-toe … EVER. One more thing, then I swear I’m done, it is NEVER okay to have the words “Juicy” across your ass. Come on. (And yes I’ve apologized to my mother for harassing her to buy me these horrid garments.)
3. Low Rise Jeans: Okay so maybe through the early 2000’s I may or may not have thought I was Britney Spears. So the lower her jeans got … and I mean her jeans got LOW, at one point I wondered if she even had a vagina … the lower my jeans got. It got a bit ridiculous. I remember buying these Lucky jeans that had faded pockets on the ass and were so low I literally couldn’t bend down to get books out of my locker. And when sitting in a chair during class, I had to do like a back bend so the person behind me didn’t get a full show. I probably still have back problems to this day from the slouching I had to do to avoid butt crack exposure. I mean exposed hip bones … so not hot right now.
4. Ugg Boots with Skirts or Harem Pants: Yep, I went there. I literally just threw out my last pair of chestnut short Ugg boots because, quite frankly, I’m so done with the fad. Throw fire at me if you want … they should only be worn during snow storms or blizzards, dammit! So yeah, I basically thought I was totally innovative wearing my tall sand Uggs with Harem pants. And Ugg boots and jean skirts … I mean for the love of God. Why? Who decided that was a good idea, because I seriously question their sanity. Yes, let’s dye sweaty lambs wool in purple colors so girls can wear them in the spring/summer with shorts and skirts … that’s the ticket. Really?
5. Steve Madden White Leather and Canvas Platforms: I may or may not have also thought I was a Spice Girl. Did I mention I was like 5’8 in 7th grade? So of course I absolutely needed the 2 inch or 4 inch platform sneakers from Steve Madden. Every girl had them so therefore I couldn’t walk around in anything but those. I mean these were the first flatforms ever made. No arch, no style, no nothing … but they sure did look fly with Gap flair leg jeans … vom. So not cute in a ridiculous size 9 either … looked like straight up clown shoes. Why didn’t anyone stop me?
6. Overalls: Okay, this is super embarrassing … but I didn’t own a pair of jeans until I was like in the 6th grade. I just didn’t like them, didn’t trust them … they just weren’t for me. So instead, I thought overalls were a fly alternative. Yeah … and I know they are trying to make a comeback right now by hipsters, but I gotta say … only toddlers look cute in overalls, and maybe hot farmers.
7. Butterfly Clips and Assorted Hair Twists: Oh yeah, late 90’s … I would have sold my soul to the devil himself for some rad butterfly clips to put in my hair. The only problem was, my idea of “doing hair” was spraying it down with a water bottle and slicking it back into a ponytail. Hot, right? Well, during this time I was in the beginning wave of sweet sweet puberty that in turn transformed my wavy hair into a full-blown, kinky curly afro. So when I would try to do the hair twisties and top it off with the butterfly clip … well, let’s just say I looked … special.
8. Anything with a Fruit Pattern: Yeah, I went through this phase in college where I was in denial that I truly hated color and was more concerned with having a wardrobe that was “edgy”. So enter Forever 21, stage right. Now this was before F21 was “F21” … but they did have a lot of “edgy” things … for example tube tops that had apples all over it. YES! That just screams edgy! Like for real self … I hate you sometimes.
9. Catch Phrase Tanks and Ts: I blame Urban Outfitters for this one, straight up. But yet this was another dark and ugly rabbit hole I fell down. For a while I was obsessed with anything that had rhinestones on it, so when I found a cute blue tank top that said “Open 24 Hours” on it in rhinestones, I was like immediately in lerve. Until I wore it to school and everyone called me a whore for wearing it. In all honesty I thought it was just a classic saying … until I realized what it looked like on my body. Yeeeeaaahhh, that was in 8th grade I do believe … good times. Anyways I upgraded throughout high school to the “Mary is my Homegirl” T that my mom forbid me to wear, and the classic “Everyone Loves an Irish Girl,” T because, well, I’m Irish … DUH!
10. Fake Designer Hand Bags: I blame this one on Sex and the City. In fact, I made a lot of silly, outlandish style decisions based on Carrie Bradshaw … hell, I am still making silly, outlandish style decisions based on Carrie Bradshaw. But she definitely sparked my desire for designer handbags that I couldn’t afford. And since I couldn’t afford them … I went to Canal St. in New York City. Now this was back in 2003, when you would walk through Canal St. and there would be perfect replicas of every kind of designer handbag from Dior to Louis Vuitton, it was honestly like Mecca. And then some jerks, rightly so, shut them down years later … so you literally have to risk your life to get a fake nowadays. But quite frankly, even if they are a perfect replica … it is still a fake. A fake is a fake is a fake. But I had every fake bag from Prada to Burberry to Dolce & Gabana. It was kind of gross and now I kind of loathe all of them. I would light fire to them all if I didn’t think it would cause some sort of nuclear explosion because God only knows what they are made of.
So there it is kids, my top 10 worst fashion choices throughout my life. I have to be forgetting some, only because I probably placed them in that imaginary box of stuff I would like to forget about. But God only knows what my next 10 worst fashion choices will be … I’m going to say definitely more frightening … for sure.