Seriously.

Okay, we all know at this point that I’m not afraid of a stiletto. They used to be my enemies, but now we have this like obsessive compulsive love affair with each other. So what if they make me taller than the Empire State building, they are sexy and fabulous … and in the words of Jay-z, “either love me or leave me alone.” But I’m not open to everything … that would make me a complete and utter shoe whore, now wouldn’t it. Since I am 5’9, the extra height isn’t exactly necessary, so I usually don’t purchase anything above four inches.

But recently, I feel like EVERY heel I fall in love with is above four inches. And the rest of the shoes … well, they are ordinary and ugly. I loathe the ordinary. But God dammit, sometimes I want another cute option besides these sky scrapers on my feet. They hurt, they can be impossible to walk in, and every once in a while, I would enjoy not towering over everyone and everything in sight … kay thanks.

I’m beginning to think it is a conspiracy. The higher the shoes get, the cuter they become. For example, I was dying for a pair of color blocked heels. Something preferably with a platform (for comfort) and a stylish block heel three inches max. Do they exist? Not that I’ve seen. What the hell, shoemakers? They were all like Barbie stilettos that honestly made me look like a tranny hooker with a funny swagger when I tried them on. Hi … yeah, I’m not sure if the shoemakers out there are aware of this, but not everyone in the world is a perfect 5’6. Sure, when you are in New York City, if you are 5’9 and wear 5 inch heels … no one blinks twice at you. Being an amazon woman is like second nature simply because that is the jungle that models roam in. When you are walking in suburbia-land in 5 inch stilettos that would make you a whopping 6’3 (like yours truly) … whelp … people tend to make more idiotic comments than you think. Confidence, confidence, it’s all about confidence … yeah yeah … but it is all about feeling comfortable in your surroundings, and suburbia and 5 inch stilettos don’t really mesh well together … well, at least in my experience. City and stilettos and being glamazon … yes, meshable.

It just isn’t fair. Now I’m on the hunt for a fantastic pair of wedges. Do THEY exist … no because they just keep getting higher and freaking higher. God dammit. I have this perfect outfit in mind and can’t put it together properly because the only cute wedges that exist are legit six-inch blocks. I love them, I DIE for them, but it’s summer and I like to give my feet a rest from the highness and save it for the winter months.

So all I’m saying … or more like BEGGING shoemakers out there is to think about the taller gals for once. I mean I love a good clearance section, but there is a reason why sizes 8 1/2 and above in clearance are always choke full of 5 inch or higher stilettos because no one wants them. I mean sure, some people want them, I want them, but it just isn’t feasible to wear that high of a heel all the time. A tall girl needs a break. What happened to a sexy, sensible 2 1/2 inch heel that doesn’t look like something a doubty secretary from 1985 would have worn. Less boring under 5 inches and more desirable. Please. Because right now, I’m convinced they don’t exist … and if they do, they are ridiculously expensive. C’mon …

Hmm what are the odds that Steve Madden read this? Here’s to hopin’ …