Okay, I know we are all beautiful, in every single way … Words. Can’t. Bring. Us. Down. But right now … I’m going to try to bring it down … for, you know, the common good of society.

What is up with every female … and some males … taking “MeGraphs”? What is a “MeGraph” you ask? It is when someone takes their camera or phone … either or, either or, and takes a picture of themselves and posts it to some social media outlet.

MeGraphs have escalated to the pondering girl, the “I’m so bored,” girl, the excited girl, the OMG look at this outfit I just randomly put together, but in reality took me all afternoon girl, the I’m pretending to not give a shit but actually it hurts … THAT is how hard I’m trying girl, the “I’m so nerdy, tee hee” … but in reality I’ve been trying for the past 45 minutes to be super sexy girl, and so on and so forth. All of which makes me want to, in the words of Chris Farley, rest his soul, drive my car into a God damn bridge embankment.

My question is, why? For the love of Jesus … why? Cool … you are wearing something awesome and want the world to see? Post it, go on with your bad self … but don’t act so blase about it. You want to post it because you think your look is the shit … so my God … say it. Scream it from the rooftops … that is why you are posting it to social media.

The only people who have the right to take “MeGraphs” and clog up my Instagram newsfeed are the following: Models, actors/actresses/people in the fashion industry. AND. THAT. IS. IT. If you are not in the following categories, then sorry kid … allow the photographs to happen organically. If a friend or family member would like to shoot a picture of you watching Gossip Girl on the couch with your cat looking bored … then so be it. Throw that shit on Instagram. But besides that … STOP.

So curious as to when the appropriate time to take a “MeGraph” is?

Here is a foolproof checklist that will make it crystal clear: 

1. If you suddenly become famous … like the paparazzi is parked in front of your crib famous

2. If you suddenly become an editor at Vogue

3. If you suddenly get to co-star in Justin Timberlake’s next film

4. If you just got your makeup done and you look absolutely stunning … show that shit off

5. If someone ELSE will be in the photo with you … green light … ding, ding, ding

6. If you are 100% whole heartedly against duck facing … but still … refrain

7. If you just got done modeling for Marc Jacob’s fall print campaign and running to do Burberry’s next

8. If you have a black eye … (I assume it would have an interesting story behind it to make up for the MeGraph)

9. If you just got a face tattoo

10. If you are online dating and need a really fantastic profile shot and ONLY will post it to said dating site … ONLY

If you do not fall into ANY of the above categories … then my sincere apologies but … no MeGraph for you. I’m sorry … I can’t allow my readers to have awkward MeGraphs … I just can’t.

And just so we are clear, here is the list of awkward MeGraphs: 

 

1. When you look bored

2. When you look super serious

3. When you duck face

4. When you pretend you’re sleeping

5. When you do anything besides smile

6. When you try to act like you are in an ad in Vogue but really you are in your cubicle

7. When you pretend said photograph is totally candid, except we can see your arm awkwardly extended … aaaaaand there were probably 20 bad versions before this one

8. When you try to act sexy and seductive … I mean … awkward. Totally awkward.

9. When you are trying waaaaaay too hard to be “dorky” “goofy” “light-hearted” by making a weird face

10. When you take a photo in the mirror

I apologize if I just crushed your soul because all these years you thought taking these MeGraphs were a form of self-expression … but in reality, they are quite vain and at the end of the day, I just want the best for you.

Think before you post, people.