Holy Shit, I Have NOTHING To Wear Tonight!

marlon_brando_stella_yellIf any of you are like me, you woke up this morning, realized it was New Year’s Eve and then realized you have absolutely no idea what you are wearing tonight. I mean is this not the worst feeling in the world?! It’s not like you are hopping out of bed to go to work not knowing what the hell you are wearing … oh no, this is NEW YEAR’S EVE for Christ’s sake! What the HELL are we going to do!?

Okay … everyone calm down! We have two options, ladies: 1. Take on the mall today. 2. Find something in your closet that could potentially work. Let me tell you something … if you choose option #1 (and I mean this with love) you are a fucking idiot. Let me break this down for you. New Year’s Eve is the ultimate amateur hour. I don’t know about you, but I like to drink … a lot. Therefore when a monumental event comes around like ringing in the New Year, I don’t really fancy paying quadruple or even more to get into my local watering hole that normally wouldn’t cost me shit to get into … only to wait in line for hours on end to get a watered down vodka and club … leaving me sober and having to deal with these amateur idiots who can’t handle their watered down vodka drinks. Hmph.

So if you are thinking about going to the mall today to try to find that perfect outfit, here are some reasons why you shouldn’t:

1. Sober Amateurs Will Shop: You will be bombarded with girls in sweat pants with PINK across their asses that just got their makeup done at MAC frantically looking for the perfect sparkly skankfit that will bring all the boys to the yard. They will be with their friends freaking the fuck out talking at octaves only dogs can hear, all up in ya bid-ness. Don’t. Do. It. To. Your. Self.

2. Nothing is Left: I bet you are thinking to yourself, “SOMETHING has to be left.” Nope. It is not there. The only things that are left are negative zeros that probably have some sort of rip in the seam from some girl who clearly had no right trying that size on, but who was praying to Jesus that it would fit because it was her last hope … and didn’t. She threw it back at the sales associate in a fit of rage, and because the sales associate just wants to start and get her drink on, put it back on the floor carelessly to leave you with false hope. And the vicious cycle will continue.

3. Dresses Aren’t the End All, Be All, Kids: Unless you are going to a fancy party that you paid a lot of money to go to … a dress REALLY isn’t 100% necessary. I know, I know … we all want to look fab on New Year’s Eve, I get it … because on March 4 you will DEFINITELY remember how fab you looked, but Christ, think outside of the box. Leather pants, patterned pants … a nice pair of jeans with insanely amazing heels … all are appropriate for New Year’s Eve. Dare to be different … you know, put together an outfit that doesn’t look like a disco ball vommed all over you.

4. For the Love of Jesus … It’s Only New Year’s Eve: Remind yourselves of that if you don’t take my advice and end up going to the mall. It happens … every year. Don’t break your bank to look amazing … again, unless you are going to some party with a Queen. And no one will remember what you wore. Trust. Everyone gets so drunk, it won’t matter if you are wearing a God damn bath robe or haute couture. So if Forever 21 doesn’t have the dress you are looking for and you find yourself SOL … don’t worry. Ask anyone a few months from now what you wore, fantastic or foul … no one will give a shit and or remember.

5. Hey, Remember Your Closet?: Before doing ANYTHING … check out your closet. Lay some things out on your bed and start pairing shit together to see if it works. Leather skirt with a knit sweater, sheer maxi dress with a matte sparkle shrug and amazing tights … think outside of the box. You might have your New Year’s Eve outfit answer starring you right in the face and you don’t even know it. Pour yourself an early glass of champagne and start testing looks. What do you have to lose?

So ladies, don’t freak out. It’s a God damn Monday night, at the end of the day … and if you have no options and will have to settle with something ordinary, just start drinking earlier and it won’t matter. Boom … problem solved.

I’m personally royally screwed outfit-wise, but don’t care. Why? Because I’ve spent too too many years caring too too much about what I should wear for New Year’s Eve. You know how many New Year’s Eve outfits I remember? ONE … a sparkly dress I bought at Urban Outfitters two years ago. It was fab. I still have it and may decide to go for the “A disco ball just vommed all over me” look … again. The end.

Not caring is a beautiful thing. God speed, ladies. I know you will all look fantastic in some way. Cheers.

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