So I just returned from my birthday excursion to Atlantic City (yes, I’m offish 26). And in the midst of my hangover, I need to share with you the spell I noticed that washes over every girl the minute they hit the casino floor. No it is not the urge to gamble all your money away, chain smoke and start chugging vodka … it is the urge to dress like a straight up skank. You can’t control it, you just want to let it wash over your body until your ass is hanging out of short shorts and your ta’s are all out and about.

So I had on a really fantastic flowy Theory dress with an open back. Beautiful? Yes. Classy? Totes. AC appropriate? Jesus, no. It is all about the age-old saying, “when in Rome.” And when in Atlantic City, you need to show as much skin as humanly possible without actually walking around naked … derh. And like I said, I had this incredible urge to look skankalicious.

So I changed into a skin-tight, short as shit lacy number, since I brought like 15 options with me, and five-inch sparkly heels (I mean it was my birthday) and I finally felt like I was home. Why? Because there are really a few places on this earth that you can dress that skanky openly and not be judged, so I indulged … just a little.

But when I was “out in da club” rubbing shoulders with every dress Forev Twent has ever created, I noticed there are different types of Atlantic City-skankdom.

1. The Kim Kardashian Skank: Too much makeup, extensions down to your ass, 5 inch peep toe stilettos, the tightest banded dresses I’ve ever seen to accentuate the curves and usually all in black or nude. You stand there with a serious pout, hands on hips, very model-esque. The only difference is Kim’s look is (probably) designer, and these girls … not so much. Nice try, though.

2. The Dirty Skank: These are the girls that have no right wearing what they are wearing. Perhaps the dress they are rocking isn’t fitting properly, things don’t match, the hair, the jewels, the shoes just aren’t working … I mean it could be a number of things. I don’t want to be catty or rude … you get the drift.

3. The Diamonds in the Rough: In the midst of bad dresses and skanky whores, there are a few girls who have actual style. They didn’t just throw on a tight dress, high heels and straighten their hair. They wear the statement bling, the styled dress with the booties to match. I mean these are runway-esque looks. These are the girls I want to tap on the shoulder and say, “hey, you look fab.”

4. The “Oh … I totally have that dress” Skank: I tell you, when you are in a crowded club and you look around, you’ll see millions of girls, literally … in some sense … wearing the same dress. It is either from Forev 21, H&M or Express. Bet me money. And these girls, who are all wearing the same dress in essence, are competing against one another. They are swinging their hips, throwing their heads back laughing, making eyes to cute boys, AND secretly wishing you and every other girl competitor would die a slow death. There is nothing to these girls besides a slutty dress and an evil eye.

So there you have it. I woke up this morning like Cindarella after the clock struck 12 and transformed back into my non-skanky self and said, “get me the hell out of here, for the love of God.”

But these”going out dress” bore me to death. We need to come up with something new, like pants, for example. Pants … they are so hot right now … pants.