So I have the Black Death that has infected most of the Northeast. Fever, stuffy nose, face feeling like it is going to fall off … weak, tired. It is the worst, especially when your doctor tells you what you have is viral and there is nothing you can do.

So I was told to rest, which I am AWFUL at (hi, I’m the worst patient). But I did find something to connect my ass to my couch, which was a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon on Bravo, which is the holy grail of good TV when you are sick. I literally watched it from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. (judge all you want … but I needed to see what was going to happen between Adrienne and Brandi … come on!)

And as I sat on my couch in my finest hobo gear (I could break mirrors when I’m sick), I couldn’t help but notice the depressing commercials that were shown on Bravo. Like yes, advertisers know who to target during what shows on certain channels, but seriously … for the love of Jesus, they were painting a grim picture.

Now these are just some of the commercials I saw on Bravo that made me question if I was “that woman” who was addicted to Bravo …

Previews for More Bravo Shows: Like lots of them. AKA you have no life and need these marathons and new idiotic shows to get you by. Don’t feel bad, I eat them up, too! Suck it, Bravo … you win! Lisa VanderSkank has her OWN SHOW!? Shut. UP! It is like candy. Hello … I mean I’m currently living vicariously through Kyle Richards on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Dating Sites: EHarmony.com, Match.com, Match mixers, BlackPeopleMeet.com … for the love of Jesus. We get it, new year … single people don’t want to be single. Duh. But there is such a thing as an “independent woman” who doesn’t need no mans :::z snap::: Flashing these commercials in between me seeing if a housewife bitch slapped another housewife as I run to get my 15th Diet Coke won’t do ANYTHING for me. Moving on.

FreeCreditScore: Ya broke? Because these fools will remind you. Ugh … Go. Away. The holidays are over … we may or may not have over done it with the credit card usage … who the hell wants to be spun into an anxiety attack when watching mindless drivel. Not this guy. Hence why I’m watching said mindless drivel.

Pet Smart Commercials: ALL the kitty ladies, ALL the kitty ladies, ALL the kitty ladies … now put your paws UP! Calling all cat ladies, there is something for you! Rar!  Now where did I put those dang cat treats … Chester is meowing again.

Vacations: Depressed? Lonely? Need to get away with your man, perhaps reignite that love flame? Go to Disney, Paradise Island and any other numerous exotic places they flash in your face. AKA making you hate your life even more and crave a vacation you probably can’t afford. Cool.

Insurance Commercials: I don’t really understand why they are emphasizing shit falling on cars and your house so much … but it really sucks. I’m trying to watch women who have 10 carat engagement rings and 15 Hermes bags here and ignore my stupid life, kay thanks. You don’t exist, car insurance.

Watchers of Weight: Jesus … okay we ALL put on a little extra weight during the holidays and if you say you didn’t you are a dirty liar. But do we need to be reminded every five seconds? “I lost 25 pounds with my hubby, I did the cooking and the calculating … blah blah blah” we-ing all over that bitch that not only makes you very aware that you are overweight … but single.

Oh and I love the crack rocks you can sprinkle on your food now to magically lose pounds. Oh and now they make orange juice with less sugar? What?! Isn’t OJ healthy to begin with?! These people are on drugs … do it the old-fashioned way ladies … the way YOU want … for YOU … with YOU … BY YOU! Tell that happy bitch who lost 25 pounds with her husband to suck it and eat a Snickers.

… and last, but certainly not least, …

Gordon’s Fisherman Fish Sticks Commercials: Umm … what? You’re single, broke … fat … so now we are turning to the creepy dude in the yellow fisherman’s coat? I would much rather starve to death. Eating fish sticks will NOT … and I repeat NOT bring all the boys to the yard.

So thanks, Bravo. We are over weight, lonely, single, broke, cat ladies, who eat Gordon’s fisherman sticks with bad credit that are in desperate need of a vacation. But you know what … sticks and stones, Bravo, because you have really good bad TV that soothes my soul when I’m sick.

Now excuse me … I just got sucked into the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Bye life as I once knew it.