Don’t Wear Um If You Can’t Rock Um

photo-1Yep … :::sigh::: that little girl to the left? That’s me. Let me tell you that I’ve tried numerous times to burn this picture. My family has been obsessed with it … so much that my brother thought it would be funny to blow it up and put it on the side of my house during my high school graduation party … so he did. Good times …

But after watching the Golden Globes last night and having to witness Lena Dunham awkwardly stumble to the stage to accept her awards, I decided I had to share this photo with you and tell you a little story called … I’ve been walking in heels since I was 3 … literally, as you can see. And not because my mom was a crazytown stage mom. Nope … this was self-inflicted.  I literally lived in heels until like age 5.

Right, so Lena, darling … just because you have a fab TV show that everyone is obsessed with (myself not included) and have become God’s gift to hipsters all over the world and you probably were and are worth a million bazillion dollars … DOESN’T mean you have to rock 6 inch Louboutin’s. Seriously. Sure, they are fun, pretty, and a “symbol of status.” But what is the point if you can’t strut your stuff properly?

I realize everyone is crying like, “waaa leave poor Lena alone, she was wearing beastly Loubs … you try walking in them waaaa!” But seriously, why didn’t her “people” hire her someone to teach her how to strut in these bad ass shoes? Because if you are going to rock Loubs … you ROCK Loubs, for the love of God.

At the end of the day, wearing high heels and walking in them … not an easy task. But we as ladies do it because they are fun, gorgeous, sexy, and a staple in every woman’s closet. But if you can’t walk in them, pick a different pair. I think Christian Louboutin makes a smaller heel size than 6 inches, right? There is nothing more uncomfortable in life than witnessing a woman wearing a fantastic pair of heels and disgracing them by walking like an idiot.

And for ladies … and Lena … that have a hard time walking in heels, here is my shoe strutting advice:

1. Take your time, there is never a fire whilst walking in heels … never

2. Picture Naomi Campbell or your favorite super model when you walk

3. Heel, toe, heel, toe … it is not a myth

4. Know the difference between “sitting shoes” and “walking shoes” … if you don’t know the difference, you should probably nix the heels completely

5. When you buy new heels, wear them around your house, rock them when you cook, clean … break. them. in. (Lena Dunham should have been doing this for weeks before the Golden Globes)

6. Practice makes perfect. If you have an event to go to and you never wear heels … and decide to indulge in your dream pair of heels to rock … don’t, unless you are willing to put the hours of walking practice in. Otherwise … guaranteed, you will make an ass of yourself.

So there ya have it. I still walk like an asshole in high heels when they aren’t broken in  properly … we all do. But I’m sorry, there just is no excuse when you are at the Golden Globes. None. Like not even a little. I’m glad you have your hipster army defending you but … for shame.

4 thoughts on “Don’t Wear Um If You Can’t Rock Um

  1. Agreed. I kind of love watching girls walk in heels they apparently can’t handle. It makes me giggle. Especially if they are all gussied up and then find themselves lurching down the street like loose hipped zombies who can’t straighten their knees. It’s super distracting. And a sick pastime of mine.

  2. I didn’t see the crime against the Loubs in question but I wholeheartedly agree with you. The duck waddle, the stiff knee strut & the clippity cloppety (women wearing shoes too big because they didn’t have the right size at the store) are all unforgivable crimes. Love that you put it out there!

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