True Story: We Don’t Glisten, We Sweat

55e61724cfcf31dbb7e8e9ec8f4308f2So this is my 3rd year in a row writing about how to survive a heat wave and look chic doing so. And honestly … this year is by far the worst. In fact I was looking back at previous heat wave-related blog posts that I’ve written, laughed, and called myself a wuss.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what you do … unless you are blessed enough to go from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place … you are inevitably going to look a hot mess during a heat wave, especially one like this.

And because of that fact, I really … REALLY want to kick the girls I see on the train who look refreshed, composed, and put together, because there I am: Sweaty, disheveled, trying to cover up the fact that I’m so out of breath I could die, casually wiping the sweat from my brow, and making sure my hair hasn’t turned into an afro … and then realizing it has and desperately trying to flatten it out. I swear I’m a TRIP to sit next to on the train.

So instead of telling you, “O-M-G LADIES … there is this FAB anti-humidity hairspray that will make your hair not move and you will look INSANELY AMAZEBALLS all day,” I’m going to be real with you. Because when it is 100 plus degrees outside, the only thing I want to know is that there are ladies dealing with the same awful shit that I am, and are not indeed calm, cool, crisp, and collected.

So behold, things I loathe due to heatwaves:

Doing my hair: Why? Humidity is going to make my hair its bitch the minute I step outside to walk to the train, so why should I take the time to put product in it, straight it, and smooth it out. Honestly, I leave my house saying, ” oh yeah, I look good,” only to get to work crying, “why, lord, why” … as I try to make sense of my newly acquired frizz disaster area.

Wearing pants: To hell with them. They are so restrictive and uncomfortable. A pair of jeans hasn’t touched my ass since early June, and I don’t fore see that changing any time soon. By the time I’m walking home from the train I just want to rip them off and run home in my skivvies. Some call that cray … I call it freedom.

Applying makeup: I literally just went to Nordstrom, went up to the Bobbi Brown, my all time fav, counter and said, “make me less shiny.” She then went on to tell me I have rosacea, to which I said, “no no, sweetheart, I’m sweating because I was just shopping in Forever 21 for the past hour.” She apologized immediately. So she gave me some great products, but when you sweat you sweat … and sometimes nothing can take the shine away. I consistently feel sweaty, sticky … like my pores are about to walk themselves to go get a facial. Hell … I might apply my makeup perfectly and go sit in an air-conditioned room, just for funsies.

Running out of dresses: And when you don’t want to wear pants, you turn to dresses … and a dress supply only runs so deep. So I’ve been tasked with getting creative … and literally I’ve gotten to the point where I’m questioning if I look like a skank when I go to work. But it’s too hot to even care. I’m just assuming people will be suffering from heat exhaustion and won’t care.

Accessorizing: I love me some statement necklaces, bangles, cuffs, etc. I love mixing and matching them with different outfits. I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT! But today, for example, the outfit I’m wearing is crying out to be accessorized, but I literally bid my jewels adieu today and went for the all-natural look. Yep. Can’t do it. When I started to sweat under my cuff is when I threw in the towel. Woof.

So there you have it! I’m not going to be one of those people and say, “GOD I can’t wait for winter,” but I REALLY want to. So if you find yourself sweating your face off, miserable next to a girl who is perfectly perfect … know you aren’t alone, sister … and sometimes mister.

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