So that bag to the left? It’s simple, chic, cute, “sporty”, dependable … and officially the biggest pain in my ass … no no I’m sorry … my right shoulder.

I traded in my car keys for life on the train as a commuter about two whole months ago. I was used to sitting in my car for an hour, firing through radio stations, singing to myself, sometimes talking to myself, and cursing out other idiot drivers. All activities I could no longer partake in. So what does one do whilst riding said train? I can’t just stare out the window … I need stuff! Lots and lots o’ STUFF! And “stuff” can’t just live in my quaint across the body purse that is lovely for summer, now can it? NO! I need yet another bag. Yep … I’ve become that girl. The girl that walks around with her purse … AND  the “other bag”. The other bag where all the “stuff” lives.

Maybe it was because I was used to throwing my life in my car. If I needed to change into flats … there was most definitely two different pairs in there waiting for me. If I needed a cardigan … no worries, the question was did I want blue, black, or a patterned version? But now … I was all by my lonesome. And because of that I adopted this tote. This evil, evil tote.

I had big plans for said tote. I was going to fill it with fantastically interesting books (yes, I’m old-fashioned … I don’t believe in all that e-reader, iPad bullshit), an umbrella, hand sanitizer, magazines, a note pad in case I felt like writing “old school”, bottles of water … you know everything I thought a gal riding the train needed to keep her entertained. Riiiiggghht.

Listen, I won’t hold you in suspense any longer … because I know you are standing on your chair right now screaming, hands waving violently like, “for the LOVE OF JESUS … WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR DAMN TOTE!?” Welp, kids … this devil bag has become a part of me for some reason. Kind of like my comfort blanket on the train, in a sense. I have no reasoning behind it, I just need to have it with me, alright! Lay off, man! Okay, I suppose maybe I feel like it makes me look “official” or like I’m actually going to work and not just grabbing brunch with my besties Carrie Bradshaw-styley. I just need to be carrying something … and I made that something this tote crafted by Satan.

But the other day I realized I hadn’t ACTUALLY used my tote in a really long time. Meaning I hadn’t put anything in it or taken anything out of it. So why was it so damn heavy, and what the eff did I have in there? When I looked … I frightened myself a little. Like uttered the words, “dear God,” and took a step back.

So I will hold you in suspense no more. Right now … in the bag that I carry on the train and off day after day … here is what you would find inside of it (side tid bit: this is the first time I’m actually rummaging through it as well … so yeah … enjoy the ride, kids)

-A close to 300 page book … that I finished over a month ago

– A print out of questions for an interview I conducted with a woman … close to a month ago … that I no longer need … or want … or have use for … Jesus …

-An umbrella (that I put in there today only because I got stranded under an over hang on the street last week and learned my damn lesson)

-A plastic Walgreens bag … with nothing inside of it but a receipt … really?

-Good God … my old broken wallet … that is broken … and old … and literally has nothing inside of it besides like an old insurance card or two … what are the kids saying these days “SMH”? “SHM”? Oh … you get it.

-A take out menu for a sushi place around the corner from where I live (never know when hunger could strike, am I right?!)

-Oh boy … :::cough::: a take out menu for a really awesome pizza place around the corner from where I live … yowza

-2 bucks … now THAT is what I’m talking about!

-An empty Stila lip gloss … RIP, I adored that color … hmmm note to self, visit Sephora tomorrow … I’ll write that on my … oh wait … note pad I never got

-2 things of peanut butter crackers that are practically dust by now … ew

-An empty chap stick … what is wrong with me?

-2 very old magazines that I was using for research that have since fallen apart in my bag … so technically this should be written as “parts” of a magazine

-An oversized decorative flower pin (think Carrie Bradshaw) … I got creative whilst accessorizing one morning and decided it was a bad idea by the time I made it to the train

-One tampon …

-A receipt from Walgreens … yes, different from the plastic bag … I love me some Walgreens

-A train card that is identical to my actual train card except has negative $1.14 on it (don’t even ask me how that happens) and MY train card has money on it (or so I hope, at least)

I need a moment of silence :::::bows head in shame::::::

Sigh. I don’t have words for myself. After I found the second takeout menu my self-respect level plummeted. In conclusion … I legit have absolutely no reason to be carrying around this tote. And to top it off … I HATE having to carry around 2 bags. I get so confused. Are my sunglasses in my purse or in bag number 2, is my chinese takeout menu in my tote or in my wallet? I mean for the love of Jesus … why am I doing this to myself?!

But alas, I shall continue to dream of the day when I can afford a Birkin or Celine bag … or some lovely, rich, delicious leather tote that can hold my entire life. Now if you will excuse me I have to go shame myself and light fire to this stupid bag devil that has allowed me to carry around ridiculous amounts of crap with me.