The thing I love about the fashion industry is that trends come and go … except Chanel. That shit is here forever … and I’m one hundo percent okay with that. But what I’m saying is if you don’t like a trend, or something doesn’t look right on you … it will fade to black in seasons to come. And that is a fact you can rely on.

Except the God damn smoky eye. What is with that thing?! I remember I was in high school when it started to take off … and that was :::starting to trail off and mumble::: number of years ago. And I was immediately put under its spell, getting it done for both of my proms, and formals in college, and just for funsies when I needed a pick me up, and now I’m STILL getting it done for weddings and events. Welp, the spell has been broken … I’ve had just about enough of you, smokey eye.

Sure, it looks über chic on some people … but I realized after all of these years, every time I get it done, I walk around afterward asking people if I look a hot tranny mess. I suppose I have an issue with having eye shadow up to my eye brow, and then I feel restricted because in my head I think I should only wear a nude lip … but still the makeup artist puts color on my lips and then I feel like Mimi from the Drew Carey show, who knows. Honestly, when you pay good money for someone to do your makeup, you should walk around thinking nothing but, “I’m the shit.” But for me it’s more like dear God my face is shiny, I look like a stripper, how do I get this shit off of my eyebrow .. etc.

It doesn’t help that no one can it properly, either. A makeup trend shouldn’t be this tricky, folks. Revlon shouldn’t be coming out with products like, “smoky eye for dummies”, 10 years after the makeup trend surfaced. And quite frankly when I see Kate Hudson on that commercial for Almay’s version of “smokey eye for dummies”, showing how simple and stress-free it is to apply, I want to punt my television AND her skinny ass. I mean, come on. I’ve watched YouTube videos, I’ve had extremely talented makeup artists explain to me the tricks of the trade, and I still end up looking like an awkward, gothic teenage kid who hates her parents and expresses her teenage rage through black eye shadow and liner.

To me, the smokey eye should be “smokey” … grays, blacks, you know … DRAMA. But every time I go to get it done, they end up using all of these crazed colors, when in reality, I’m just looking for the old-school drama and glamour of the look. Now listen, I know I’m not a makeup expert … and I’m not THAT talented at applying makeup, but when someone is coming at me with blue shadow to match the dress I am wearing and somehow will turn that color into a “smokey eye” … well, I”m backing away slowly and then running like hell.

Then there was that time that I wanted to just get my eyes done for a bachelorette party I was attending, and of course, since it was a sassy night out with the gals, I wanted the drama. I always have this vision of myself looking like a bond girl with a smokey eye. Well this lovely, super “talented” makeup artist decided tangerine would be a cool color to use. I thought it would just be an accent color, meanwhile she was slapping it on my entire lid, up to my brow. The looks of sheer horror on my friend’s face was priceless, and when I saw the finished product, the amount of rage I felt was endless. That was the one and only time I have ever shamed a makeup artist in my life. I just stood up, took a cloth and started wiping it off. She looked confused and scared. I just returned to my natural state and stormed off. Tangerine? Really? Just because I have blue eyes doesn’t ever make that color okay to use as a shadow … just sayin’.

So to the cosmetics companies out there, do not try to lure us into buying products that make the smokey eye easy, breezy and beautiful … because they do not. “All you do is one stroke of the dark color, then another stroke of the lighter color, a little mascara, and little liner and then .. WA-LA!” Shut your face, okay … shit like that doesn’t happen in real life.

To the smokey eye … you were fun. I played around with you, we had some semi-good times together. But you’re a little too high maintenance for my liking. Let’s put you away for a better day and give another eye makeup trend a whirl, shall we? I personally adore the thick wing-tipped, Amy Winehouse-inspired liner and only that.

What is your favorite eye makeup trend?