I may be the most non-sexy person on the planet. And I’m not saying that in an attempt to gain compliments, I’m being 100% factual. And you know what, I’m okay with that.
In life, there are the Scarlett Johansson’s of the world, and then there are the Tina Fey’s (ps. let me make this clear, Tina Fey is my girl. My dream is to one day wear matching PJ’s with sheep on them and nerd out in front of a table filled with delicious junk food and 30 Rock reruns with her. Tina, if you are reading this, first of all OMG Tina Fey is reading my blog, second of all … we’re both Philly girls, we both love junk food, we both adore writing, I mean why AREN’T we best friends should be the question at hand here). Expressing my admiration for Tina Fey … complete.
And if you are anything like me, when you are around a Scarlett Johansson-type woman, you feel this insane pressure to up the sexy ante, if you will. Am I right? You see how seamlessly they bring the boys to the yard just by sitting there and ordering a vodka and club, and maybe giggling here and there. All of a sudden you start to think, hell … I CAN DO THAT!
Wrong. Stop it. No you can’t.
But alas, you will try … and most likely fail. Behold, how you will try and fail at being sexy told by some of my all-time favorite ladies in the whole entire world that I absolutely idolize:
1. You decide after dinner to indulge in a little intellectual convo. Men love smart women. Smart is sexy. You put your fork down and start hitting all the important points. You sip on your wine, flip your hair back like the perfect gust of wind has just graced your presence when … something doesn’t feel right:
2. You hear attracting things to your mouth intrigues men, so you start applying lip gloss slowly. You roll the applicator over your pouty lips. You think your lip gloss is poppin’ and that everyone in the bar is ready and waiting to make out with you but instead …
3. You see the guy across the table from you cracking really bad jokes. When the Scarlett Johansson of the group laughs, every one of her perfect teeth sparkle, her smile brightens up the entire room. Angels cry with happiness. She looks like she should be the “after” in a Crest White Strips commercial. So you go for it, you laugh at the idiotic jokes, you feel the sexy protruding from your inner being … when maybe you’ve gone a little too far … 4. Alright, now it is time to bring it to the dance floor. If there is one thing you know how to do, it is bust a move. You start moving like a backup dancer for Britney Spears, flipping your hair back and forth like Cher is trying to possess you, waiting patiently for the swarm of eligible bachelors to start fighting for your attention when in reality …
5. Screw dancing, who needs that when you can sip your drink seductively. You slowly bring the straw to your pouty lips, playfully biting it until you decide to take a big sip when …
What I’m saying is sexy can’t be learned. You either gots it or you don’t. I’ve embraced the fact that I’ll never be this: