I’ve never been one to listen to alarms, or eagerly jump out of bed two hours before I’m supposed to so I can squeeze in my morning jog, shower and then peaceful flip through the newspaper. Nope. I’m more of the set my alarm a half hour earlier than I need to get up so I can snooze until I actually have to wake up, then barter with myself so I can sleep 10 minutes more. “If I take 10 minutes to do my hair instead of 15 and not pack lunch … I can totally sleep longer.” Sometimes it works … other times it turns into a whirling dervish of a nightmare.
Welp … today was my nightmare. I learned a very valuable lesson that snoozing even more than you allow yourself to snooze equals hot mess. Because some mornings … everything goes wrong … like:
1. Your hair is a hot mess. Satan clearly came in and turned your thermostat up to a bazillion degrees or you contracted some weird eight-hour Black Plaque that caused you to have a fever of a 105 because it looks like you sweated yourself to death. Meaning your hair is a half curly, half straight, matted mess that takes longer than usual to tame.
2. You throw together an easy outfit since it is Friday, and add a little bling to it with your favorite necklace. Then you realize said favorite necklace is half-broken, yet fixable, but needs actual tools to fix. No time for that, though. You carefully rig it so it stays on your neck, until you’re walking to the train and feel it slowly slipping off your neck. Now it lives in the bottom of your handbag, and your outfit, which is definitely “menswear” inspired, looks like you went shopping at Mens Warehouse because all of your “feminine touches” failed miserably.
3. Your kitten needs attention. Because she always needs attention in the morning. You know this. And you can’t say no to a little, adorable kitten who is rubbing up against your legs looking up at you with big eyes in dire hope that you will be her playmate. Right? How could anyone possibly say no to that face?! Dammit :::shaking fists while rolling around on the floor like an idiot with the kitten:::
4. Your manicure looks like a crack whore took a stab at a new career path on you. Chipped to hell and rigid to the point where you can’t even be seen in public. So before running out the door, you decide to throw on an extra coat to cover up the chipped parts … until you realize you are using the wrong color … and the color you are using is 150 years old and thick … really, really thick (and I loathe that word, just to be clear). You go back and forth, should I go bare, or should I just keep going. But there is no looking back now … you have a train to catch, dammit, since you missed the last four you SHOULD have been on. And when you realize the nail polish is so thick (vom) that it won’t dry, you try your best to carefully slip into your brand new trench coat without staining it with Essie “Real Red.” You’re in the clear until you’re waiting for the train and notice a little drop of it on your coat’s lapel. Fuckity, fuck fuck.
5. You don’t have time to check the weather, assume it’s going to be balls cold and, in reality, it turns out to be a mild fall day. You end up sweating to death whilst power walking to the train, so you rip off your circle scarf (this is where the necklace tumbles off your neck) and shove it into your big tote bag of wonders. And when it comes time to dig for your train card, it is nowhere to be found. You then have to sit down on a germ infested bench and dig through your bag. Your circle scarf now has become a jungle for tampons, loose change and lip glosses. Your umbrella a vortex of gum wrappers and iPhone accessories. It’s gone. Nowhere to be found. The last train you could possible take before actually being REALLY late just chugged on by, and you’re basically screwed. Until you see the yellow little devil card peeking out from under your umbrella, basically giving the finger. You shove all your shit back into the bag of wonders, suppress your need to scream bloody murder, and keep on going.
So let’s tally this up, shall we? I’ve somewhat ruined one of my most beloved new coats, my nails look worse than when I woke up … I’m literally actually considering getting a manicure over my lunch break it’s that bad, and my necklace is hanging out at the bottom of my handbag, probably to stay there for a really long time since I’m lazy. I’m also lacking caffeine since I didn’t have time to stop for tea this morning, and I’m overall a hot disheveled mess.
Lesson learned: Get your God damn ass out of bed when the stupid alarm goes off. It sucks and is painful, but at the end of the day, not having to deal with all that stuff above would make me a happier, more caffeinated person.
Now … does anyone know how to get red nail polish out of fake suede? Anyone? Anyone?