I’ve been battling a Diet Coke addiction for years. There. I said it. Diet Coke is the saucy temptress that will forever be the bane of my existence. I’ve gotten on the sweet, sweet carbonated wagon, and I’ve harshly fallen off, bingeing on cans and cans a day. Ugh.

And with that being said, I loathe drinking water. Sure, when you are parched or wake up in the morning after a long night of drinking, nothing in life is better than a cold glass of water. But besides that … meh. The times where I did successfully push Diet Coke out of my life and adopted a clean drinking regime (meaning only water), I did feel amazing. I peed a lot, but I felt like gold (no pun intended?).

But my sweet, sweet, carbonated friend in the silver and red can is deceiving. You think you are choosing the “healthier soda choice” by sticking by his side. He’s slim, chic, timeless … and Taylor Swift backs him. But he has another evil henchman that stands behind him silently, also known as “Aspartame.” Ps. I feel like lightning should strike every time you say “Assssssspartame.”

Aspartame is the fucking devil. And according to a source at the FDA :::glavin:::, it is pretty into messing up your whole entire body. The list of side effects is disturbing, and I’m pretty sure I would make you fall asleep if I listed them all … yes there are THAT many. But to summarize, it may cause everything from depression, cancer, fatigue, severe anxiety attacks, and horrible pain whilst swallowing … like I said, the fucking devil. Really makes H20 a little less yawn-worthy, am I right?

So I’m not only putting myself at high risk for disease, psychological problems and pain … BUT … I’m also making myself look like a hot mess? What?! Thanks, Daily Mail, for bringing this to my attention. I’ve been investing in expensive hydrating cremes, anti-puffery serums, the souls of the young and beautiful (juuuust kidding) to make myself look vibrantly wake and stunningly amazing … and all this time, I could have just been drinking copious amounts of water?!

Yes, water is, indeed, the key to life and youth. And who knew the key to life and youth was so boring. But if you are tired of being and looking tired, saddle up and start chugging some liter jugs of water. Because apparently that’s all it takes. One to three glasses a day won’t do the trick. If you want results you need to go big or go home to the land of tired looking skin.

I do think I need Diet Coke rehab and a sponsor, for that matter. If anyone is up for the challenge, let me know. But to try to have flawless skin and look years younger just from adopting a life of water, water and more water … well that is something I might want to sign up for.