Thanksgiving Pants

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I’m not going to sit here writing about the ball gown I’m wearing for Thanksgiving, or the four-inch stillettos I’ll be rocking with my black leather peplum skirt, or my pilgrim-inspired look, or the sock bun I’m perfecting … oh no. I can’t lie to any of you. Because on Thanksgiving, I don’t get fancy … at all. And why should I? No offense, family members, but most of you have seen me at my ultimate worst. You’ve burped me, changed my diapers … and there is a good chance I may or may not have vommed on you one time or another (mind you this all happened under the age of 2 years old … God hopefully) … so yeah, I am going to take this opportunity to let my hurr down and relax a bit. Doesn’t mean I still can’t be stylish, though … just don’t expect me to whip out my couture.

I’m also not going to sit here writing about how I’m not daydreaming about the amazing dinner that will occur on Thursday … because I am … and it’s Monday. I have actually contemplated not eating for the rest of the week just so I can indulge in as many carbs as humanly possible until I pass out in an amazing carb/wine induced coma. I’m an incredibly picky eater, and the fact that I’m jonsin’ for this meal four days in advance due to the fact that I enjoy eating 98.4% of everything that will be served (minus the cranberries … they freak me out. Shit shouldn’t be can-shaped, okay?), really means something.

So here is where I would like to pay homage to “Thanksgiving pants.” Yes … it is a thing. What is my definition of Thanksgiving pants, you ask? Well …

Thanksgiving Pants [thanks-giv-ing] [pants]:
Comfortable, stretchy pants that don’t constrain, but instead grow with you.

Don’t be that guy who has to unbutton his/her pants after dinner. Seriously if anyone did that in my home I would kick their ass out with the turkey bones, but that is just me. Instead, focus on comfort. Sure, you’ll wake up in the morning of Thanksgiving your normal size, stomach not expanded, self not bloated to all hell from all the salt in-take … and you may feel compelled to drape yourself in spandex … but stop. Seriously. Just … don’t.

Here is what a normal human being should NOT wear on Thanksgiving:

  • Skinny jeans of any kind
  • Panty hose
  • SPANX of any kind
  • Skirts of any kind, unless they’re maxi
  • Banded dresses
  • Your “skinny jeans” you can fit in to once again after you lost weight (don’t do that to yourself)
  • Waist hugging anything
  • Peplum anything
  • Leather anything … I know it’s in-style, but no

Instead consider any of these as appropriate “Thanksgiving pants”:

  • Maternity jeans. Yeah I said it. It just isn’t fair that only pregnant women get to reap the benefits of the front panel.
  • (Even though technically not pants) leggings. Just make sure your ass is covered … we aren’t trying to be hillbillies here, kids. Grandpa and Uncle Joe really don’t want to see the outline of your Victoria’s Secret … am I right?
  • Fashionable sweats (no that doesn’t mean anything with the word “Juicy” or “Pink” written across your ass, I don’t care how much you have spent on them. And don’t you dare wear anything stained of cut-off. Let’s keep it classy, shall we?)
  • MuuMuus … go for a Mrs. Roper-inspired look. I’m sure someone at your Thanksgiving will get a kick out of it. Then really no one would know how much you truly ate and that your girlish figure has unfortunately been abducted by the Thanksgiving turkey.

So there ya have it. Hopefully my family isn’t reading this and is so disturbed over the thought of me wearing maternity jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt that they decided to not show up on Thursday. I swear I’ll at least put makeup on and do my hair … promise.

But my point, at the end of the day, is to be comfortable. That is what family gatherings are all about … well most of the time. Otherwise that is what wine was invented for … am I right?

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