Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - PerformanceI don’t understand my kind, and by “my kind” I mean women. We tend to be very critical of one another, will talk shit the minute we feel intimidated, yet the amount of posts I’ve seen from ladies actually excited about the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show tonight has truly stunned me. Like why? What is so exciting about it? Men … I totally get it. Trust. But ladies … whaa?

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good fashion show. It gives me the chills just thinking about them, in fact. But a fashion show of glamazons wearing angel wings in lingerie that is completely unobtainable … with Taylor Swift serenading in the background!? Umm no. Just for funsies I want to walk into a Victoria’s Secret and ask to try on a pair of their wings and watch the sales associates start to drool. Because literally nothing from the show exists in the stores. If you want yoga pants with PINK across the ass? Hell yes, you’re in luck. But these insane costumes that are strutted down the runway tonight will sure as hell not be present.

The worst is the complainers. The ones that watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just to have an excuse to bitch about how fat and ugly they are. Okay … seriously, before you start, STOP. These women go to extreme lengths to look that thin and fierce for this show. EXTREME. That is their job. If you got paid millions of dollars to do that, you would, too. So unless you want to literally go on an oxygen only diet, stop complaining and comparing yourself to models. It just isn’t fair to anyone involved. You are beautiful, too … in your own way, I’m sure of it.

So as much as I would LOVE to see what kind of jewel encrusted bras I should cover my knockers with this season, and what kind of angel wings I should wear in the bedroom, there are some very important things I would much rather do than watch this show tonight. Such as …

1. Sleep … eight plus hours, it’s called beauty sleep, durrh

2. Go through my overflowing bin of black stockings and figure out which ones have holes … you know, because that is so easy

3. Talk to my cat in a British accent … We’ll pour some tea, discuss politics, it will be grand

4. Get on the phone with Comcast and make sure they aren’t robbing me blind, because that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against the wall or anything

5. Take the time to thoroughly shave my legs … ankle to upper calf, ladies, ankle to upper calf

6. Drink an entire bottle of wine and have my OWN runway show … :::puts on four in heels and starts strutting::: “Come on Vogu … aahhhhh :::Falls face down and just lays there:::

7. See how many marshmallows I can stuff in my mouth before I vomit for funsies

8. Work on my rapping skills … “Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is HOV … H to the OV … what … UH”

9. Eat an entire roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as I can

10. Count how many calories I ate today and smile about it … mmm carbs



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