I Wish I Were Britney Jean

britney-spears-tribute-largeSome of you may not be aware that I was once, slash still slightly obsessed with Britney Spears. But if you knew my 13-17 year old self, you would have met the ultimate Britney fan. I still have a soft spot in my heart for her, and I may or may not still know all of the moves to “Oops I Did It Again,” (guilty pleasure).

She was everything when I was a teen. She made me sign up for dance lessons, she made me want to wear crop tops and super, almost vagina-showing jeans, and I basically cried when I got the opportunity to see her perform in her Onyx Hotel tour (yeah, I was THAT guy … picture me in tears softly saying, “Brrrriitttnnneeeeyyyy … I love yoooouuuu.”)

And I can safely say, as a Britney fan, one of the darkest days was when the footage came out of her shaving her head and trying to beat a paparazzi down with a golf umbrella. That and her 2007 performance on the VMAs. Mortification station.

Even years and years … and years later, even though I’m not as much of a Britney fan as I once was, I still have, almost, all of her songs on my iPhone, and as a guilty pleasure like to throw them on and jam out like I am 13 years old again. Wouldn’t you just love to see my almost 27-year-old ass trying to bust out vintage Britney moves in the privacy of my bedroom …. no? That’s what I thought. Shut up … you do it, too, don’t lie.

So in honor of “I am Britney Jean” premiering on E! tonight, I would like to pay homage to all of the times I wanted to be Britney Jean. Enjoy my walk down Britney way:


Britney’s 2000 VMA performance where she started singing the Stones’ “Satisfaction” in a suit and ended up in this sparkly number. Who DIDN’T want to be her at this moment.

Screen shot 2013-12-22 at 10.40.38 AM

When B. turned into a fembot in Austin Powers 3. The best of two worlds colliding … I would call that a memorable moment.


I mean she dated Justin Timberlake … and broke his heart so badly that he wrote an epic song about it. And just for the record I’m still convinced everything would be right in the world if they got back together. No more wars, no more poverty … Britney and Justin, make it happen.


If I woke up one day with this body … I mean … I just wouldn’t even bother wearing clothing.


What I happen to think may be one of the best half time specials at “the big game” (since no one is allowed to say the name of the ACTUAL game which rhymes with smuper shmohole). Aerosmith, N’Sync, Nelly and Britney … heaven.


When she thought the old lady threw it in the ocean again. Excuse me, I can’t even write about this … I just need to express myself through the dance. “Oops. I. Did it again. I played with your heart (hand cupping heart up and down). Got lost in the game. OOH BABY BABY.)”

What’s your favorite Brit Brit moment?

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