While people were busy making resolutions and dousing themselves in as much glitter and sequins as possible, I found myself learning a very valuable lesson this New Year’s Eve.

Now in typical NYE fashion, I had not the slightest idea of what I wanted to wear. Call it growing up, if you must, but I’m over slipping into a barely there dress, applying a smokey eye and freezing my balls off for the remainder of the evening because I clearly didn’t have the time of day for stockings. I was dreaming of a NYE that consisted of all of the same things … drinking, beings with loved ones, having an amazing time … accept in my jeans and flannel button down. But alas, this wasn’t an option.

So back to my three outfit options. One was a skin tight black dress that required SPANX, which suffocate me. The other was a bit of an outlandish look … plaid shorts over stockings (SPANX stockings), a regular T-shirt tucked in to said shorts, with a fantastic vintage sequin cardigan that makes my knees weak I adore it so much. And finally, black high-waisted leather pencil skirt with a black crop top, with … yes you guessed it, SPANX stockings. So what to wear, what to wear?

Carbs. Carbs are probably one of the most important assets of NYE. If you think they aren’t, you are a fool. Carbing up before drinking is key, otherwise you will drop before the ball. Now I’m not one of these girls who is like, “I’ll have a Saltine … yep, I’m full, tee hee.” Nope. I have an obsession with potatoes and I can safely say if I gave up carbs I would turn into the Incredible Hulk and start killing people. Just sayin’.

So, before I got ready, I decided to eat a hamburger, BUT I ordered it off the kids menu thinking it would be smaller. Wrong. It was massive. And delicious. And I ate every single drop of it. Both buns. And all the fries. And it was glorious. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. Mmm burger. I was in heaven … who wouldn’t be in heaven eating a delicious burger in an oversized robe. Oh that’s right, someone that would have to take off said robe and squeeze themselves into a tight ass dress.

So my valuable lesson I learned, readers, is this: Don’t. Eat. A massive burger. Before. Putting. On. SPANX. Just don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. Maybe give yourself like two hours in between the burger eating and the SPANX wearing. Yes carbs are SO important before a night of drinking, BUT … a full stomach sucked into suffocating SPANX and tight garments equals a God damn nightmare.

I was miserable. I was so full and felt so gross that not even SPANX could give me the illusion that I looked good. I had to pop another bottle of champagne to stop looking in the mirror and sighing in shame. Alas, I did this to myself.

But God dammit that burger was fantastic. Lesson learned.