Me. My Taas. And NuBra.

Screen shot 2014-04-21 at 7.46.36 PMI happen to have a thing for backless dresses. I think it is such a chic way to bring the sexy aspect without letting your taas out and about for everyone to see, or so much leg your vagina is about 10 seconds away from making its grand entrance.

With that being said, if you adore backless dresses like I do, it means one thing and one thing only: no bra allowed. Now, because of the title of my blog, people tend to think I’m a “bra whisperer” or some sort of “bra connoisseur.” Well kids, I’m nothing of the sort. I do get access to some of the finest legit “bra whisperers” on the planet though, who shame me for things like not washing my undergarments properly (apparently throwing your bras in with your darks so they get wrapped around your jeans like a snake isn’t okay), and how I put on my bras (again, slapping the thing on and going ain’t cool). Without them, I would be lost, though.

So when I found an amazing backless dress, I had to go to the experts for some help. Because unless you have bee stings for taas or fake ones that go against the laws of gravity, “free balling” ain’t an option. Free balling certainly wasn’t an option for me. I wouldn’t want to subject the world to that. You’re welcome.

I’m not one to go for the whole “backless bra that you slap on with some tape and call it a day.” Nope. I’ve tried it. Victoria Secret style. It was Satan. And the minute I started to sweat, it started sliding off. Do you know how awkward it is when you are trying to raise the roof on the dance floor and feel the stickiness of tape sliding down off your skin. It ain’t pretty or cool. In fact, you’re screwed. One time I brought masking tape just in case of a wardrobe malfunction. Yes, masking tape in da club. And it malfunctioned. So I spent the good part of the night trying to readjust the backless bra with masking tape in the bathroom. Turns out masking tape doesn’t stick either if you have sweat glans. Oh … and the whole “you can wear it again” thing … is complete bullshit. Just an FYI.

But then I met NuBra. After my previous experience, I was more than skeptical. But I had no other choice but to give it a whirl (there was a bad ass dress at stake). And an amazing “bra whisperer” slash good friend assured me that she wore it on her wedding day and it didn’t move.

So I wore it for the first time this weekend. Gotta say, it was an odd experience. NuBra is basically suction cups on your taas. I followed the application instructions (which were rather easy), and all of a sudden, I was strapped in and ready to go. Well, after I asked my girlfriends if my taas looked weird about 500 times (sorry, ladies). It most definitely didn’t give me super duper Wonder Bra-style lift, but it’s much better than nothing.

Of course the entire night I was waiting for the … taas to drop, if you will. The minute I started to perspire I kept thinking, “here we go, I’ll be in the bathroom in no time throwing this thing away, making me spend the rest of the evening with my arms crossed awkwardly, in a ‘DON’T LOOK AT ME’ way.” But I was wrong, it stayed in place the entire evening. Even during “Shout!” (I was at a wedding, clearly), except I didn’t jump up, jump up and get down. No one wants to see that. NuBra is good … but not THAT good.

So there ya have it. I hope you enjoyed my intimate explanation of my taas weekend in NuBra. I’m just excited that no longer do I have to see an amazing backless dress and be like, “whomp whomp … taas are just too big to free ball. Moving on.” Nope. Never again, I say, NEVER AGAIN!

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