I am not particular about things. If my manicure is slightly chipped, it doesn’t ruin my day. If my sweater has a pull in it, I will still wear it. And if my shoe has a scuff mark on it, hell yeah I will strut my stuff in them until the cows come home. Shit like that doesn’t bother me. In fact, I trick myself into believing it gives them character.
That is … until I decided to reorganize my closet so I can move my fall stuff in and summer stuff out. No, I don’t keep my non-seasonally appropriate clothes tucked away in a cute piece of Tupperware in my basement. I’m not that organized slash I like all my shit where I can see it. Except my closet is the size of shoe box, so I keep my non-seasonally appropriate stuff in there and my seasonally appropriate thangs on a rolling rack so I still have access to my maxi dresses in case I get an urge to dance in the snow in one.
Since I’ve been a teen, I’ve have an obsession with clear hangers. My mom worked at a clothing store at the time and would come home with barrels of them for me. So from that point on, my clothes would hang on only what you see below. I just love um. They have that little groove so your shirts won’t slide off. They keep the form of your shirts at an unprecedented level of perfection. I mean … does life get better?
Now, some odd years later, things haven’t really changed. Until I started to get some of my pieces dry cleaned, and obtained an even sicker clothing addiction. Which means only one thing … you start to run out of hangers. So every now and then I would say, “hey, these We Heart Our Customers hangers aren’t THAT bad, I’ll just use one until I can get more of the clear guys.”
Over time, more clothing was being accumulated than hangers … therefore I needed more. Everyone said these were the best … the Cadillac of hangers (see below). So I went to Burlington Coat Factory and bought them in bulk. In grey. Why grey? I have no idea.
So when I was moving my summer stuff out and fall things in, I noticed how many damn “We Heart Our Customers” hangers were being used. Too many. Just too many. Too too many. It was like the fancy grey felt hangers had gotten eaten or something, because the amount of wire hangers was staggering. I just … it just … I mean …
And all of a sudden I turned into Joan Crawford. Yep. Had a Joan Crawford moment, kids.
I ripped the “We Heart Our Customers” wire hangers out of my clothing and violently threw them in a trash bag. I didn’t even know where all of them had come from. I truly don’t get THAT many things dry cleaned. Which leads me to believe they have minds of their own and multiply and will one day take over the world. Seriously. I bet they are in my trash can procreating as I type.
Nothing is worse than wire hangers. Joan Crawford was a CRAZY bitch, but she had a point. They fuck up your clothes. Straight up. Your shirts will slide off of them and end up living on your floor collecting dust and becoming a bed for your cats making you exclaim, “hmmm I wonder where my Marc by Marc tee is?”
Dry cleaners, thanks for the free hanger, kind of, sort of, even though I’m pretty sure it is included in the dry cleaning price. And gee golly thanks for saying you love us. It truly is flattering. But my God, you spend all this money to get your clothes dry cleaned, only to take it home on a horrific hanger that you will use out of sheer desperation and laziness. And then wind up turning into Satan, also known as Joan Crawford, when you realize how truly disheveled they make your clothing.
Maybe let’s update this. Clear hangers for everyone!