Defining Sexy

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Photo credit: http://www.esquire.com/women/the-sexiest-woman-alive/penelope-cruz-swa-interview-1114

Penelope Cruz was named “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire Magazine, to which I have to say, well DUH!

It got me thinking though, what makes someone “the sexiest person alive,” ya know? Looking at Penelope Cruz, just looking at her, I see she is drop dead gorgeous, hot body, petite, big taas, hot accent, decent actress … so are those the qualities one needs to be named “sexiest person alive?” Who makes up these requirements? Because I would like to have a sit down with said person and go over a few things.

“She is impossibly beautiful. When she walks into a room, men start walking into furniture.” Just a little diddy from the Esquire Mag article. It was almost like the dude interviewing her was just sitting across from her drooling and nodding his head back and forth like a babbling fool.

Penelope: I like to kill puppies for fun.
Journalist: Uh huh … whatever … just keep talking, and maybe eat a little more of that steak … just … like … that.

Gross.

Listen, I get it, it’s all a popularity contest, and maybe a little bit of a PR stunt. She clearly has a movie coming out. Magazine’s won’t sell if we don’t have a hot piece of ass, dripping wet, straddling a chair on the cover. We like our actors and actresses and musicians too hot to trot so we can daydream about them and buy their shit. I get it. Really, I do. But the whole concept seems a little dusty to me.

A USA Today article outlined the Esquire Mag article with words like “gorgeous, talented, magical, mysterious, and modest.” Hmm … perhaps those are the qualities one needs to define sexy.

The article, which is oddly enough mostly about bullfighting, doesn’t outline her charitable duties, or organizations she’s associated with, or how she is helping to make the world a better place. Nope. But don’t worry fellow ladies, she likes to eat JUST like us! “She is always hungry, she says. She orders the chuletón de buey, a huge slab of bone-in rib-eye steak, seared on the outside and covered with coarse salt. When it arrives, the beef is so rare that it is crimson and gleaming in the middle. If it ever had a relationship with fire, their time together was insignificant and short. She stabs her fork into her first thick slice and cuts into it with her knife.” Umm … is this supposed to be turning us on? Because it is NOT working, just to be clear. In fact I’m rather uncomfortable.

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Listen, congrats to Penelope Cruz, the title was well deserved in some weird way, but really … like I said … the concept is dusty. I don’t care that Penelope Cruz is attracted to drama now but hated it when she was younger, and that she speaks 14 different languages. I seriously couldn’t care less. I want to read about a hot ass woman who not only is a knock out and likes to eat, but is INTERESTING … doing cool things, gets her hands dirty in changing the world, inventing something new … becoming the female Mark Zuckerberg. Not saying Cruz doesn’t have interesting things in her life, but hello, share them with us, for crying out loud.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “oh you’re just jealous.” And you know what? You’re absolutely right, I am. She looks amazing after having kids and she’s 40! Guess I’m just too busy drinking wine and eating carbs to get my body in perfect shape for an Esquire Mag cover shoot. :::Sigh::: But hey, that’s just me. I just would like to know what the definition of “sexy” is for someone to be deemed “the sexiest person alive.” That’s all.

Until then …

TOO-SEXY-OH-NOO

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