Today, I’m going to go somewhere I’ve never gone before on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra. I know … I know … brace yourselves, people. Because for once, we are going to be talking about dudes and their style. What?! I know, right?
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know shit about mens fashion, mostly because it bores me to death. Plaid button downs and belts … riveting. But what I want to discuss is probably the most manly accessory of them all, also known as the beard. Yep. A beard.
Recently it is like men just discovered the beard. Wait wait, I’ll rephrase that … HIPSTER men just discovered the beard. It is like THE thing to have. I personally don’t get it. Beards, yes, do look rather dapper on some gents. SOME. Others should just stop trying to be overly ironic and sit this one out.
But having just a beard is no longer acceptable. Nope. How boring, right? Now there are things called “beard baubles.” I thought it was a joke at first, but oh no, people are actually buying decorations to hang on their beards for some extra yuletide flair. I suppose the ironic ugly holiday sweaters just weren’t getting it done for people. Sigh.
I’m not sure if these dudes feel left out because they don’t have as many accessory options as us ladies, so they feel the need to decorate their beards to compensate, I really have no clue. Or perhaps they think it will bring all the ladies to the yard by making them giggle over their ridiculously ironic beard bling, which in turn will make them drop their panties. But listen closely gents … some women … SOME … find beards intimidating. They cause rashes on our sensitive skin, and quite frankly we don’t know what you have hidden in that thing. So to add ANOTHER layer of weirdness is just ruining your chances at getting any action underneath the mistletoe. If anything, you will be that guy people want to Instagram pics of. That’s. About. It.
Listen, beards have been around since the beginning of time, because I don’t believe the cave men had a Mach 5 razor. So just leave them be. If you really feel a void in your accessories, buy yourself a watch or something. I don’t know. You are disgracing the good men who paved the bearded way for you by dangling some weird shit off your facial hair.
Now let’s check out these dudes who know what’s up when it comes to beards, shall we?