Public Service Announcement For Last Minute Shoppers

bargainOn my way home last night, as I had to stand during the entire train ride awkwardly in a hot crowded car full of annoyed people with overflowing shopping bags, then attempted to walk home and almost got hit by numerous cars rushing from point A to point B that had no regard for me as a pedestrian or my livelihood, I realized, holy shit, this is the last weekend of holiday shopping. And no wonder people are bonkers.

Yes, this weekend is the last opportunity to shop for Christmas without it being over your lunch break or after work. And yes, OMG, you waited until now to do all of your shopping, and all you want to do is mow down innocent bystanders to get your shopping done as quickly as possible. I get it. But stop. Seriously. Chill the fuck out.

Before pandemonium ensues on this last weekend of shopping, I want you all to take a minute and read the following before embarking on your journeys this weekend. Seriously.

1. Just because you waited until last minute to do all your shopping doesn’t mean you can act like an asshole. That’s on you, my friend. And you know what, there are probably a myriad of other last minute shoppers in the same boat, trying to cross off all their shit on Santa’s list. Instead of giving your fellow shopper the evil eye, or an elbow to the face … maybe smile. Give a sign that says, “hey friend, I feel your pain, and this really blows. But hey, let’s make the most of it, shall we!?”

2. Treat sales associates at stores like you would treat your Grandmother. Okay, for real. It isn’t their fault they are out of what you want. It isn’t their fault you waited until now to shop. It isn’t their fault the line is out the door. It isn’t their fault they don’t have clones of themselves to help every single person the minute they enter a store. Would you yell at your Grandmother for things she couldn’t control? Treat them with respect, for the love of God. The holiday season is BRUTAL for them. They deal with complete assholes lacking manners all day long. So maybe give them a break. Thank them. Be kind. It’s the holidays for crying out loud. (Ps. My mom happens to work at Nordstrom and if anyone makes her cry this weekend, it’s ON).

3. Be aware of people around you. Whether you are on foot or in a car, don’t mow people down. It’s kind of illegal, and by kind of, I mean it absolutely is. Don’t shove. Don’t bump into someone and not apologize. Don’t blow past a pedestrian crossing and leave those people out in the cold longer than they have to while you relax in your warm car. The same rules go during the last weekend of shopping as they did when the Titanic was sinking … WOMEN AND CHILDREN (and the elderly … I’m throwing that one in there) FIRST!

4. Manners, people, manners. We learned them in preschool. Please. Thank you. Etc. Remember? Opening doors for people. Letting people go ahead in front of you. Giving someone a parking spot. Tipping a little extra. Pardon me, and what not. Not screaming at people in public. Use. Your. Damn. Manners. And Christ, pay it forward. Why not? It is kind of a rush, I gotta say. Giving someone that parking spot, or letting them get in front of you in line is not only insanely kind, but a little something that could make someone’s day. Do it.

5. And finally, breathe. It’s the holidays. One of the most lovely times of the year. And not because of the presents, you greedy greedy people. The lights, the music, the decorations. Outside of the psychotic shoppers (which I hope won’t be you after everything I’ve outlined above), just enjoy it. It happens one time a year. Indulge. Smile. It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. But dear God, enjoy yourselves. Last minute shopping shouldn’t be a scene out of Braveheart.

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