Weight Loss Resolutions

2483E1AD00000578-2902276-Ethereal_Jennifer_Lopez_floated_weightlessly_within_a_golden_ray-a-82_1420742862595Okay, if I see ONE more commercial for weight loss solutions, I may throw a shoe at my television. Seriously. Granted I DO watch a lot of weird stations that just play Golden Girls marathons. But in order to enjoy these saucy broads, I have to endure crazy ads promoting weight loss pills, powders, magical solutions, and what have you.

“Look at me! I took this pill every day and after a month, I lost 100 pounds, whilst still eating cheeseburgers!” I mean, what? How fucking stupid do they think the general population is? Come on, people! What they don’t tell you is that same person turned into Satan and started growing chest hair.

I think the tipping point for me happened when I was watching an interview with J-Lo since she is the spokesperson for this new “weight loss system,” which she made clear isn’t a pill or a quick fix to being fat, which regardless, I find to be a bunch of hogwash. In the ad you see her spinning around in the air with this lovely piece of silk wrapped around her naked body, accentuating her abs and perfectly sculpted muscles. Which leads idiots to think, “oooh I could look like that, spinning in the air naked and draped in silk.” My response to that is, who in their right mind would want to float around naked wrapped in silk? Umm … J.Lo, that’s who.

What killed me was when they asked her what her diet/exercise regiment consisted of. And she responded with … “Well, I drink a shake in the morning, do a different work out every day, and at night I kind of eat whatever I want!” Umm … have you seen J.Lo lately? The woman is FLAW-LESS. Her body is SICK. I’m sure it is part plastic, but who cares? Go ‘head, girl.

After hearing that interview, I couldn’t help but say, Dear J.Lo, thanks for making us feel like you’re the average Josephine, but you’re not. You’re Jenny from the Block. You have a person making that shake for you in the morning. You have probably one of the best trainers in the world, sculpting a different part of your body every day perfectly. You have numerous nannies to take care of your kids whilst you work out. And you have a chef to cook you perfectly portioned meals, who probably also remove those pesky calories, for the times when you can “eat whatever you want at night.” And that, my friend, is how you have that sick ass body.

What I’m saying is, celebrities, stop giving us weight loss advice. Just stop it. You aren’t on our level. Why do you think these shady ass weight loss pills exist? Because people try the advice celebs give them, fail, hate themselves, and go to the next best thing … pills. Because those commercials show Photoshopped “models” with basically J.Lo’s body … which, let me be clear, is a bunch of bullshit. Tanning places don’t spray tan abs for nothing. Just sayin’ …

No two people are the same. And every person has to find a workout/diet regiment that works for them. And for those of you who swore when the ball dropped into 2015 that you will lose those pesky 25 pounds or more … please, do not listen to these idiots. Go to a nutritionist. Go to your doctor. Use legitimate resources that didn’t make the movie “Gigli” … umm hello.

Losing weight can happen, but it isn’t easy. It might be one of the hardest things to do on the planet. It’s frustrating, time consuming, and the idea of not eating carbs makes me want to punch innocent people in the face. I want to cry thinking about going to the gym after work with weird strangers trying to make small talk with me instead of going home to my couch, a bottle of wine, and, yeah, carbs. But it can happen. Just do it in a healthy way, for the love of God. Seriously. For the love … … … OF GAWD.

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