Simmer Down, Spring Freaks

cat_with_flower_wreathHoly lord, it isn’t negative 2 degrees outside! What the WHAT?!

You know when you wear something for too long and you are so sick of it you want to set fire to it (No? ? Just me?). Well that is how I feel with my Northface parka. While I know I’m fortunate to have it, and probably sound like a huge brat for saying this, that shit is getting donated next year to someone who will appreciate it more, because I loathe it. It’s ugly and I hate it (bonus points if you know what brilliant movie I pulled that quote from). We’ve spent too much “quality” time together and I want to punt it in its stupid coat face.

And that is what I did yesterday when I looked at the weather on my iPhone and saw that it was going to be in the mid-50’s all week (not really, it is still hanging perfectly on my coat rack). While I was dusting off my myriads of other beloved coats for days that don’t feel like the cold breath of death, other people in the city had, well, a different plan.

Apparently mid-50’s means whipping out shorts, tank tops, and Rainbow flip flops. I clearly didn’t get the memo. I get it, this winter was a bitch. It was “take your breath away cold” every freaking day, and the first hint of spring mine as well be a shot of vodka for people. You just want to drink it all in because it’s so good once it hits your lips. You want to say, “fuck it,” and open those vacuumed sealed bags of all your summer shit and throw your inhibitions to the wind. I really do understand where you’re coming from. But … you’re crazytown. Straight up.

While I would love nothing more than to throw on a maxi dress, a pair of gladiator sandals and walk around pondering what restaurant I want to sit outside at without wanting to pee my pants because it is so frigid, I’m not ready. Ladies need to do some thangs before one is prepared to indulge in springtime shenanigans. Am I right?

1. Shave your legs: Yeah … I mean it isn’t like I’m a wooly beast underneath my skinnies, but I will be the first to say I do a half ass job at it during the winter. I’ll focus on my ankles, because they MAY make an appearance, but everything else is kind of meh. I’ll go days without doing it (hey gents, aren’t I a catch?!) because I don’t care and trick myself into thinking that the extra hair keeps me warm. I know I’m wrong, but so what?! A good ol’ fashioned leg shaving, ankles to upper thighs, needs to commence before anyone sees any of my short shorts that I don’t own.

2. Pedicures: I’ve given up trying to keep my toes painted in the winter. What is the point? I just shove them into pairs of socks which then get shoved into over-the-knee boots. Who cares? My toes don’t see the light of day in the winter (nothing is worse than cold toes). And unpainted toes SKEEVE. ME. OUT. So you can only imagine the condition my feet are in. I won’t go in to details because I HATE feet (I mean I do the general maintenance, I’m not that much of a beast), but still. Mama needs a pedicure.

3. Spray tan: Nothing is worse when you go from wearing layers on layers on layers to a thin cotton dress, exposing skin that hasn’t seen the light of day in MONTHS. I always feel like I’m walking around naked the first time I wear a dress sans stockings the first time in the spring. It’s heinous. So to take the edge off, giving your skin a little TLC just might be what the doctor ordered. Moisturizing all your nooks and crannies, exfoliating, and dragging your ass to get a proper spray tan will make the transition a little less weird. I’m not talking about a Kim Kardashian spray tan, but just a little tiny peck from the sun is what I’m about.

So while I’m applauding this warmer weather, I am secretly judging you if I see you strutting around in shorts and Rainbow flip flops. Simmer down. Seriously. Now if you will excuse me, I’m for realsington (seriously are you guys watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt because if not you should be), going to punt my Northface parka in its coat face.

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