Lipstick Queen: The New Xanax

Screen shot 2015-04-06 at 10.32.53 PMSo how about this radio silence on Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra for the past week, huh? Weird, right? Didn’t even notice? Oh come now!

You know I hate to leave you guys, my lovely readers, hanging for this long, but if you would like to huddle around your computer screen for a little “coffee talk” please join me as I announce I was suddenly laid off from my job last week (:::GASP::: what? huh? NO WAY!)

With all of that being said, I was a little shell shocked to say the least, hence the hiatus, and if you’ve ever been laid off you know the feeling of distress, sadness, and being presented with this ample amount of free time and figuring out what the fuck to do next. And, of course, wondering where’s my next bottle of wine?!

Well … when my one door closed, instead of another door opening right away, I found an Ulta gift card I got for Christmas that I had completely forgotten about. Score. I took it as a small glimmering beam of hope. I got out of my cat pajamas, took a shower, and marched myself to Ulta convinced I would find something that I clearly did not need that would make me smile.

That’s when I realized something, kids. And trust me, millions of feminists will probably be knocking down my door with torches and pitch forks once I’m done saying the following, but a good lipstick can change your life. It really can. I know, I know, it is SO painfully clique. I kind of hate myself for even saying it. But life can be the biggest bitch you’ve ever met. And sometimes it is the small things that can make it just a smidge better. For me, that was a very expensive lipstick.

I immediately locked eyes with the Lipstick Queen section of Ulta and started swarming this almost black shade of lipstick, slowly getting the courage to ask it out for a glass of wine … figuratively speaking (although spoiler alert, totally took it out for wine after). While the idea of black lipstick would once have me eye rolling and making bad jokes regarding the movie the Craft, I immediately felt soothed by it, probably because it mirrored the color of my soul at the time.

But it wasn’t black, it was a sheer berry tint called Bete Noir, or better known as the final nail in my goth coffin. I rolled a little on a Q-tip (which ps. Ulta, is the most annoying way to test a lipstick … like I know we all don’t want to get Herpes from one another, but there has GOT to be a better way to test this shit), and immediately fell in love. That was until I went to the register.

Woman checking me out: What will be $40.
Me: Come again?
Woman checking me out: $40 please.
Me: The lipstick is $40?
Woman checking me out: Yes … :::blank stare:::
Me: I’m sorry, but no. But … no I can’t. I’m sorry.

I pretended to leave, but instead I was pacing the aisles thinking about how in one split second when I applied the Q-tip amount of lipstick to myself, I felt awesome. But who spends $40 on a lipstick, for crying out loud?! Not someone who just got laid off, I’ll tell you that much. I mean sure I had a $20 gift card. And it DID make me feel so good, I knew the minute I left the store I would be daydreaming about it endlessly. What to do. What. To. Do.

All of a sudden the guilt of me having no right buying a $40 lipstick as an unemployed wonder of the world got its ass kicked by the idea of me needing to feel like a fantastic human being again. That is how I ended up with no job and a $40 lipstick that I love so much I could probably make out with it. It hydrates my lips, the packaging is to DIE for, AND stays on. But most importantly, like I said above, it made me feel like a human being again. And THAT shit is priceless.

Listen, I know I will get another job, and I know life throws these fucked up little curve balls for a reason, blah, blah, blahbity blah. But if you ever find yourself in a situation where you just need reassurance that you’re a human being that rocks … go to Sephora, Ulta, hell your local drug store will do the trick, and buy yourself a lipstick that makes you feel like your best self. I’m telling you, it’s better than wine. And that says a lot coming from me.


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