Recently I invested in my first pair of white jeans. I had spent years being envious of the girls having the balls to wear them, and looking so “summer chic” frolicking about the city. So this year I said screw it, even though I’m stain-prone to the point that if a glob of BBQ sauce is across the room it will, indeed, end up on my shirt or pants, I decided to pull the trigger and invest in a pair.

So I took them for their first spin last week. And did you catch above that I’m stain prone? Yeah … in no way, shape or form am I a “J. Crew girl”. What I mean by a “J Crew girl” is those girls that never have a hair out of place and could come out of a tornado looking like they walked straight out of the salon and dry cleaners all at the same time. Me … well … not so much. I try … God dammit … I try, but you will most likely find a flaw in everything I wear.

While I adored my white jeans and felt like they gave me a little extra pep in my step, they also came with a side of paranoia that was … extreme to say the least. While I normally would fight a bitch for a window seat by myself on the train, I opted to stand in ridiculously painful wedges as the idea of my ass covered in white fabric touching those grimy seats with God knows what on them sent me into an anxiety spiral. I could just imagine standing up and the crazy lady on the train being all, “honey … you got a little something on your backside,” in a non-whisper.

Even while walking around, if I heard people giggling … I was 100% sure it was because I had an unsightly stain on my ass. I blame old horrific elementary school memories for these issues. That one time you were running to school, fell into a puddle and EVERYONE assumed you had an “accident” and never let you live it down. I mean … kids suck. 

Because I know you are all DYING to get a sneak peek into what goes down in my brain, I’m opening the door for you on some of my thoughts I had whilst wearing said white jeans. Listen, I will totally wear them again because I adore them …truly. But I will be JUST if not more paranoid when I do. What can I say, another example of crazy shit we deal with for the sake of looking good, am I right?

1. Did I just get my period? (side note: I had literally just finished my period days before purchasing white jeans. It wasn’t even an option … I know you all needed to know that detail desperately … you’re welcome)

2. I’m really glad I packed water and bread and pretezels for lunch today … that will give me no reason to have stains! Bread. And. Water. And. Pretzels. :::yawns:::

3. Should I bring a sweatshirt to work with me, you know, in case I DO get a stain and need to wrap it around my waist … 90’s-style? 

4. Yep I TOTALLY just got my period. BALLS. (side note: see above)

5. Dear GOD, is it possible for the black color of my desk chair to rub off on my jeans?!

6. I’m okay with people thinking I’m sick because I’m running to the bathroom every 10 minutes to make sure I don’t have a stain. It’s worth it. 

7. OMG is that adorable guy checking out my ass? :::smiles::: Wait! Do I have a stain :::twists around awkwardly in each direction::: Fuck, I totally have a stain. Fantastic. Now he probably thinks I’m disgusting and will never want to marry me … GREAT. 

9. I’m cramping … it’s my period. :::sigh::: (side note: again … see above)

10. What happens in my brain every time I get up and walk anywhere in front of people: AHHHHHHHHHH. :::smiles:::