The Spawn of Satan: SPANX

spanx-spnx01-990-gvzOn the hottest day of the year, I decided it would be a fun little experiment to take my new SPANX slip out for a test drive … like a moron. In my head I was like, “this will be amazing. I’ll get some great blog content from it. I can live tweet whilst wearing SPANX. It will be hilarious … Etc. Etc.” 

Welp … if anyone stalks me via social media (which if you do I’m thoroughly flattered), you will know how much of a miserable human being I was. Probably the most miserable I’ve been in a while, strictly because I was so violently uncomfortable. I’m really not exaggerating. I almost got to work, which is an hour away from where I live, and turned right back around because I couldn’t take it. 

I’m pretty sure SPANX has blocked me from Twitter, but you know what? I could careless. You would think wearing SPANX should make you feel thin, vivacious, and Kim Kardashian-curvy. Well, I felt like a stuffed disgusting sausage. I felt fat. I felt BAD about myself, using my laptop and notebook as devices to cover up my stomach. I felt like I had fat rolls in places where normally … I do not. I was fidgeting and pulling parts of my outfit up and down, just to find an inch of comfort. And I was hot. God dammit I was so hot. 

While yes, my mother DID teach me if I had nothing nice to say to say nothing at all … I can’t help but feel really pissed off for the entire lady population. We are basically force fed images of stick figure models with amazing bodies on the reg, making us feel the need to shove our bodies in these constricting devices just to give off the illusion that we are JUST like them, meanwhile our organs are being unnaturally smushed together (ick).

But guess what? We are NOT. We shouldn’t feel bummed out that we love carbs and want to vomit at the sight of any sort of green juice. We should bask in that, instead of walking around all day, so insanely uncomfortable in SPANX that fiery explosions are going off in our brains and we just want to punch everything and anything. 

Needless to say, I went home, almost dislocated my shoulder getting the damn SPANX off my body because it was clinging so tightly to my skin, and threw it straight in the trash. So yeah, I basically threw $50 in the trash. Awesome. Because if I’m not comfortable with the way I look, then I need to work on that with some good ol’ fashion exercise and healthy eating … not by pulling magic tricks out of my ass. BEHOLD! I’m a size 10, and once I shove myself into this corset-like contraption :::awkwardly shoves body into heinous restricting material::: … TA DA I’m a size 6. Again … bullshit. 

I’ll never wear SPANX again. Mark my words. The concept is great if you want a quick fix, and if you are standing stationary on a red carpet for hours. But if that quick fix means being so uncomfortable you can’t concentrate at work, end up feeling insanely bad about yourself, and just want to cry and vomit and sacrifice walking around in a see-through dress all day JUST to relieve yourself isn’t worth it. I honestly don’t know how women like Kim Kardashian do it, as she claims she never leaves home without them. Shit … the things we do to look amazing. But this is where I draw the line, kids.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Down with SPANX, I say, down with them.

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