Things I Can’t Be: Vegan

hbz-august-2012-vegan-vanity-de1I’m not going to say I’m not a healthy person, because I am. I crave veggies constantly. Drink a shit ton of water. Stay away from fried foods. I’m conscious of calories. And if I do get a craving for something not-so-healthy (i.e. my dictator of a sweet tooth), I eat everything in moderation. 

But I’m still not Kate Moss thin. What gives? Oh that’s right, I love carbs. And wine. Like the idea of not having carbs and wine in my life makes me want to check myself into an insane asylum because there is no reason to go on. Bread. Potatoes in any way shape or form. Pretzels. I LAHVE IT. 


So that’s when I thought to myself, self? Wonder if you went Vegan? If you’re going to spin for Flywheel’s Summer Tune-up Challenege like an insane person for the next 2 weeks out of your life, why can’t you go Vegan for those 2 weeks, too?

Oh that’s right, Vegan food is disgusting. Simmer down, Vegans, let me make my point. A few weekends back, I was tipsy at a beer garden craving a little nosh when I made my friend go get me some fries (I’m awesome). Instead he returned with some sort of Vegan wrap. What?! After resisting the urge to flip our table and shame him, I was actually hungry, and tipsy, enough to take a bite out of this “Vegan wrap.” So I did. It looked great with lots of fresh veggies and such (actually I really didn’t want to make eye contact with it).

So I took a bite. And you know what? All of these fantastic flavors started to swirl around in my mouth. Some fresh veggies. A mysterious sauce that didn’t taste half that bad. The actual wrap itself filling my void of carbs. I took another big bite when …

it hit. The aftertaste. The unnatural, weird, rough, bland, and a little sour, aftertaste. Since I was mid-bite I couldn’t do anything but chew and swallow (I’m a lady). But don’t you worry, after chugging the rest of my cocktail, I carried on pretty drastically about how fucking heinous that wrap was. “I WANTED FRIES, YOU BASTARD!” I exclaimed like a mad person (did I mention I had just chugged the rest of my vodka cocktail … yeah #drunk).

I love the idea of being Vegan, I really do. It’s so good for your body and I respect the people who really dive in and keep with the lifestyle … I swear I’m not hating on it. But it just seems like it takes a lot of work and effort and funds to get this shit tasting delicious to that point where you crave it. 

Which brings me to my next point: Beyonce. That bitch looks so fantastic because she has a Vegan chef making her all these meals … not overpriced frozen meals. Sure, they may be made from sticks and leaf particles, but her chef knows how to make it taste like freaking filet mignon. If I had Beyonce cash, I would be Vegan, too.

I guarantee you her 22-Day Vegan diet meals that get delivered to your home for around $600 (if you opt to have 3 meals a day … good God) aren’t that fantastic. What frozen meal, Vegan or not, was EVER fantastic? It’s quick. That’s. About. It. And chances are, you’re just getting them delivered in an effort to lose weight. Not to enjoy or really embrace the Vegan lifestyle. No. The people ordering these meals just want to look like Beyonce.


Life should be enjoyed … in moderation, of course. Not to have to shove foul tasting food down your throat for the sake of looking like Bey Bey. While I know for a solid fact, even though I’ve only stuck my pinky toe in the Vegan waters, that I couldn’t do it, there are other healthy ways to lose weight and still be super pumped about coming home and grilling up some amazingly delicious veggies and chicken (okay MAYBE I’ll cut back the olive oil and cheese … gosh)

Going Vegan isn’t just about the meals you eat, it is a full lifestyle change. Think before you brand yourself something in an effort to look “cool” … even if Beyonce deemed it so. 


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