Warning: this post is about periods. So for the .05% of men who read and the women who don’t like to acknowledge the fact that they bleed once a month from their nether regions … things are about to get weird. 

Periods. I’m pretty sure there is nothing anyone can do to make them suck less. Yet we try. We try so damn hard. And when I thought the mind-numbing cramps and insane hormone rages couldn’t get worse … then a thing called “menstrual cups” came into existence. 

Okay … first of all, I can barely say … hold on … :::gags violently::: menstrual :::gagging gagging::: (sorry, guys) cups without wanting to vomit. Who thought that name was a good idea?! Do you know what kind of insanely graphic and disgusting visuals it creates?! Make it stop! 

It’s also made by a brand called “Diva Cup.” Okay people, we need to stop making our feminine products look like really cool accessories we all just HAVE to have. A neon pink pad wrapper doesn’t make the situation any cooler. It really doesn’t. Periods will never … EVER be cool. 

Even though the idea disgusts me thoroughly, for you all, my dear sweet readers, I did a little digging to find out why this shit is an actual “thing” woman are using … 

1. You can use one cup all year.

My response: :::gagging, gagging, gagging:::

2. They are insanely good for the environment.

My response: I’m bleeding from my damn vagina, have horrific cramps, and want to murder the world whilst eating a fist full of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups all at the same time … and now you want me to go “green?” Uh huh …. 

3. Less chances of Toxic Shock Syndrome.

My response: I’ve never understood how Toxic Shock Syndrome is a thing. You start getting your period, what … when you’re 12? 13? Right … so if you can’t remember to change your tampon as an adult every few hours, I seriously think you need to go see a professional. And if you SERIOUSLY cannot remember (which … honestly boggles my mind), switch to pads! Because of you be incapable of “adulting”, now look what we have to deal with … MENSTRUAL CUPS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ::::gagging and crying::::

4. Less to carry around.

My response: Right, because those tampons and pads are just SO cumbersome. Seriously. My back from carrying around my pads. Jesus Christ. Make it STOP. Why does God hate women SO much that he makes us lug these paper thin feminine products around for a week once a month. It just ISN’T fair. Fucking men.

5. Don’t have to awkwardly carry your feminine products to the bathroom.

My response: True … it’s slightly awkward carrying a tampon from your desk to the bathroom. Someone stopped to talk to me on the way one time, and I crushed that thing with super human strength to the point where it was not usable. But why should we give a shit if someone sees us carrying around tampons and pads? Periods are a thing. And if the sight of my tampon skeeves you out, then so be it, dammit. I’m not rubbing it on your face, I’m walking it to the bathroom. Chill the fuck out. 

I’m going to be real with you. As a 28-year-old woman, I barely know if I’m using tampons correctly. So why in sheer holy hell would I find the idea of shoving some weird plastic device up “there” from “Diva Cup” :::gagging::: to be the solution to all my period issues?

In fact, I don’t have any period issues! I’m a-okay with the products that are available to me. Wings, no wings, tampons the size of Tic-tacs, super absorbent … I love it all. So, “Diva Cup”, you really created a solution to a problem I didn’t have. Now if you can make periods not a thing anymore … THEN we can chat. 

Whew okay … got through writing this post without actually vomiting. Snaps for me.