Oh swell … tomorrow marks the time of year when a gaggle of people dressed in all white take their entire kitchens to a specific part of the city and clogs up my social media channels … also known as “Dinner en Blanc.”

This event has never sparked my interest. Mostly because when I pay to go out to dinner, I expect, you know, the dinner, table, chairs, ambience, to be there when I get there. Not have to lug it all there myself to an unknown location. I’m lazy. What can I say. Also, have you felt the humidity out there this week? It should be called, “Dinner en OMG I have swamp ass.” Quick! Someone Google the French word for “swamp ass” to make it sound fancy!

I have a lot of weird and unpleasant connotations with a lot of white items from makeup to accessories to … well … everything. If there are other color options then white, I will probably choose that. For instance I want to punch people with white Chanel bags. It’s like STOP you’re ruining it! Oh and, remember the time I bought white jeans and was certain I kept getting my period out of nowhere the entire first day I wore them? Yeah. That happened. Annnnd $100 later I rarely wear them.

Hence why me and Dinner en Blanc would not agree. It would be a lot of me being all … 

“Uhhh how much farther do I have to carry this shit :::sweating profusely:::!?”

“Why do so many asshats own white picnic baskets :::as plastic half torn Shop Rite bags full of crap dangle from my arms::::?”

“:::spills wine on self::: I guess we can call this event dinner en stains, right?! Am I right?! :::crickets:::”

“Wait … :::checks back::: did I just get my period … EN BLANC?!” 

Give me wine, Chinese food, sweats, air conditioning, Bravo TV, and my cat any day of the week over this event. But by all means, people who are looking forward to tomorrow, enjoy and make our city a beautiful Instagramable moment. 

For now, let me give you a glimpse inside of my head when I think of certain items in a white shade:

White shoes: Will forever and always remind me of scuffed patent leather Easter shoes my mom used to make me wear.

White dresses: If you are trying to make me look washed out and insanely pale as possible … put me in a white dress. It really accentuates my veins. 

White pants: OMG do I have my period?!

White tights: No, I’m not currently at Sears taking my Christmas picture in my pretty holiday dress with, you got it, white tights and saddle shoes on.

White scrunchie: Stephanie Judith Tanner called, she wants her white scrunchie back from the 1990’s so she can put her hair in a high pony tail.

White gloves: Umm … wonder if I wanted to bring Cheetos to Dinner en Blanc (because I TOTALLY would). This would make Cheeto eating completely impossible!

White purse: Reminds me of ugly accessories you can buy at bridal shops, like tiny satin white purses with delicate pearls in intricate designs that serve no purpose and couldn’t hold a damn iPhone.

White hat: We aren’t in London. Stop it.

White nails: Look, I’m 8 years old and being a cat for Halloween!