While I want to be one of those people crying and bitching that I’m no longer floating on an inflatable alligator with a cocktail in my hand … I just can’t. I missed all you bastards WAY too much. I’m refreshed, I’m feeling alive (not really I’m actually exhausted and probably still a little hungover), and I’m ready to PAAARRTTTAAYYYY … well, by “party” I mean get back to the grind. 

While I know you are all DYING to see my vacation pictures and view how fantastic I look in a bathing suit whilst eating BBQ chips … I decided I will share with you a few tidbits that occurred over the past week. Okay I will share one picture with you because I just wouldn’t be a good blogger without investing in some really awesome Instagram-worthy inflatable devices … right? Boom … 

So here it is … what is equivalent to my vacation slide show: 

1. I HATE bathing suits. Call me self conscious. Call me out of shape. Call me a hot, bloated PMS-ing mess who is a carboholic (which I TOTALLY was) … whatever, I loathe their existence and they killed my vibe all week. In between writing this post I’m ceremoniously burning them all. BURN THEM. 

2. My email overwhelmed me the entire time I was away until I realized 82.5% of it was bullshit from ASOS and Forever 21, and then I was reminded that I’m not a super duper high powered boss (YET) and should shut the fuck up. 

3. I sprayed so much SPF 50 on my body all week it started to cake on my skin (how about that visual) and I swear I feel like some of it is still on there after numerous showers. And the entire time I was secretly praying I would turn into a bronze goddess with SPF 50 on without aging and getting skin cancer (spoiler alert: I’m still pale).

4. If you get me drunk enough before I shower, you WILL see my hair curly. 

5. I get insanely competitive and turn into Rambo when water gun fights break out in the pool. 

6. Speaking of pools, when there is one at the house I’m staying at, I will NEVER go to the beach … ever. Which worked in my favor because … hello … sharks. 

7. Speaking of the beach, I didn’t get eaten by a shark nor did I get stung by one of those super natural sting ray things … so that’s cool.

8. I ate like shit on vacation and my body hates my guts right now. And whilst eating like shit and drinking too much, I spent a lot of time asking my mother, “OMG AM I FAT?!” “DID I GAIN WEIGHT TODAY!?” “STOP LYING TO ME, WOMAN, I’M SO FAT!” until I think she contemplated stabbing me. True life, when all you do is eat carbs and drink vodka … you’re going to gain some weight, self. Deal with it. 

9. My family secretly hates me because I don’t eat pork. Or they were secretly pissed at me because I got to eat shrimp most dinners because I DO NOT eat pork. Either or. That’s my family … I could join a gang and decide I’m giving up my career to become a gypsy, but if I don’t eat pork or support the Eagles … I’m dead to them (love you … mean it).

10. I will leave everyone and everything I care about in the dust when a massive, ungodly spider presents itself. I also will run in a bathing suit with no cover-up on when this happens. My neighbors got a GREAT show. I’m praying a slow motion video of this event doesn’t live on the interwebs somewhere. “Weird, pale girl runs in bathing suit screaming ‘SAVE YOURSELVES’ as ass giggles up the stairs” … the next YouTube sensation. 

And there you have it. I really am super pumped Life Sucks In A Strapless Bra Rerun week is over and I can get back to dazzling you with my nonsensical thoughts. And I hope you are, too, kids, I hope you are, too.