If you’re anything like me you’re still in a food coma, craving a deliciously healthy salad for lunch, and have contemplated taking a long break from alcohol. Yep. The Monday following Thanksgiving is the worst. 

But you know what takes the cake for being the absolute worst, though? Black Friday. And not just Black Friday, but Black Friday weekend followed by “Cyber Monday.” I never partake in Black Friday shenanigans simply because seeing people lose their shit over 20% off sales makes me highly uncomfortable.

This year, though, I accidentally ventured out, and on my way to a relaxing pedicure thought to myself, “hmm why is Walnut Street in Philly so crowded?” And then my heart sank on the sidewalk as some sale hungry woman shoved me out of the way as I remembered, “IT’S. BLACK. FRIDAY.” 

Instead of going underground and seeking shelter, I had a “when in Rome,” moment, took a deep breath and entered H&M simply because I’m a jewelry whore and needed a new statement necklace. And guess what? I survived. 

So I took another deep breath and entered Zara … which looked like they had just made an announcement that in an hour there was going to be no more clothes available, ever, in the entire world. People were like hanging from the rafters. Well not really, but you get the picture. So I folded.

While I did not become a Black Friday convert, after spending some time out with the Black Friday shoppers, I believe I have pinpointed why it is the absolute worst … 

The heat: it’s funny, in casinos they pump in fresh, cold air to keep people awake and wanting to waste more of their hard earned money on slots. Yet, in the stores, even though it was a balmy 65 degrees out, it was like the tropics. Making me want to faint and vomit all at the same time.

The unnecessary attitudes: I witnessed an older woman bark at every person who walked past the line to check out that, “THERE WAS ONE LINE! ONE. LINE!” And God dammit it started back there! BACK THERE, I SAY! Of course, every time she did this, she felt the need to turn around to me and give me a look like, “can you believe these people?!” Why do these freaks always find me?

The careless shoppers: you know them. The ones at the register that are like, “this dress is only $10!? Shit, I’m going to go grab 10 more!” Leaves the cashier, takes 10 hours to grab 10 more, and holds the damn line up. And then comes back like, “oh well … didn’t have my size!” Meanwhile the line to checkout is now wrapped around the store five times. Cool. 

Unnecessary noise: why (:::cough:::, Mac cosmetics ::::cough:::) do you feel like hiring a DJ that plays loud, obnoxious rave music that is just different octaves of “UNTZ, UNTZ, UNTZ” is an effective way to bring in shoppers? Because this is always what happens…

Shopper: CAN I HAVE THE MATTE BRONZER, PLEASE!

Sales person: WHAT? :::untz … untz … untz:::

Shopper: THE. MATTE. BRONZER.

Sales person: HOLD.

:::Comes back with a red lipstick::::

Shopper: NO I SAID MATTE … YOU KNOW WHAT … fuck this I’m leaving.

I could go on but that would just be irritating for all parties involved. This holiday season, treat the people working at these stores like human beings. They don’t own the store you are shopping in. Nor do they have control over the fact that what you want is sold out. They are just trying to make a living so they too can enjoy their holidays. So stop being assholes. That’s all I ask. ‘Tis the season, right?