We have so many fantastic and interesting ways to express ourselves. We can get tattoos, body piercings, write books, knit, paint. We can reinvent ourselves, Madonna-style. 

So you can imagine why I’m sitting here, scratching my head in confusion over the idea of people putting glitter, yes glitter, in their body hair. Go home, world, I think you’re bored.

Last year I tolerated men putting Christmas ornaments in their beards. It was slightly endearing, in a weird kind of way … when I was intoxicated, of course. But now we’ve moved on to putting glitter in beards. And if you weren’t turned off enough, women have been growing out their armpit hair :::gags::: and adding glitter to it. ARM PIT HAIR. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some glitter. I really do. I rocked glitter makeup like every normal teenage girl did. I had Steve Madden sneakers that were encased in glitter back in the day. I even wore gold glittery heels to my best friends wedding. To be clear, these are all appropriate uses of glitter. 

You know what isn’t? Glittery arm pit hair. Ladies who are doing this: why? Are these the lengths we have to go to receive male attention? “:::sips beer::: Hey guy, check out ma glitter pits. Go ahead, stare all you like. Yeaaaaahhh, you like that?” Because personally, if Justin Timberlake came up to me and insisted on showing me his glittery pits, I would probably back away slowly and run in the opposite direction. Justin. Timberlake. 

And gents, we love your hipster “Brawny-man” beard. We really do. You’re so cool. But it’s already the cave of wonders to us. Food, germs, toothpaste, a little gnome … who the eff knows what you got going on. So why, dear God why, do we have to add glitter to this cesspool of an equation? We already have to pretend your bread hair doesn’t irritate our sensitive skin. Now we have to pretend to be okay with looking like we just macked it with a unicorn?!

So while I appreciate the attempts at being festive, I feel like we’ve taken a turn down the scary road called “out Miley Cyrusing Miley Cyrus,” and I feel strongly that it needs to end before it gets REALLY out of hand. 

To the 1.5 men reading this, keep your beards clean and glitter-free. We will be more inclined to make out with you, I pinky promise. Ladies, shave your under arms, for the love of God, shave your under arms (I realize I sound like I’m 100, deal with it). And if you really feel the need to indulge in this glittery trend, revert back to your teenage years.

God, why can’t we all just be normal again get obnoxious tramp stamps?! (I kid … please don’t do this. Wait … you know what? I take it back. I prefer tramp stamps to glittery pits. So there.)