Only recently did I notice how bizarre perfume commercials are. I was sitting on my couch this weekend watching perfume commercial after perfume commercial scratching my head. Because honestly I’ve never seen one that made me go, “yes! I want a scent that is going to make me wiggle around like a sexy and seductive worm … to the perfume store!” 

My all time favorite perfume commercial is clearly White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. It came out so so long ago and it’s still timeless. “These have always brought me luck.” Iconic. And quite frankly I still like whispering “white diamonds” in a creepy manner at random times. 

And Charlize Theron can basically do no wrong in a perfume commercial for Dior. Sure, it’s not completely normal to strut into a castle-like building and rip off all your clothes (by the way her strut is phenomenal). But at least I get the picture. I’ll feel better naked when I’m rocking Dior perfume. Side note: if I could get her to say “J’adore Dior” to me every night before I go to bed, I would be a happy human. 

Then you have the likes of Juicy Couture. I personally loathe Viva La Juicy. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but if a baby hooker had a scent, this is what it would be. The commercial is pretty spot on, though. When I smell it, I think of myself in a crowded pink box full of confetti and weird people grinding all up on me invading my personal space. It’s like a blond girl in a pink dress bitch slapping you. 

Back to Dior … good God, Natalie Portman for Miss Dior. What does you leaving your fiance at the alter so you can run away and climb a ladder onto a friken helicopter have anything to do with a scent?! Is this supposed to be symbolizing freedom or something? Because if I left my fiance at the alter, I would be all “FREEDOM!” and then you would find me chillin’ on the curb in my wedding dress waiting for my Uber to arrive.

Kendall Jenner for Estee Lauder. Shut up Kendall Jenner and Lady Marmalade. Just … shut up.

Marc Jacobs Decadence with Adriana Lima … well. Again … she is just writhing around on the floor like a worm who may or may not have just ingested some molly. Like should I be in a dirty motel room when I wear this perfume? Is that what you are trying to tell me, Marc Jacobs? I’m confused. 

And my most loathed perfume commercial has to be Lancome La Vie. Julia Roberts just looks completely uninterested in what is going on during the whole thing. I just want to kick my TV when she pathetically rips off the fake diamond puppet strings and stands at the top of the staircase smiling like, “I just got paid millions for doing nothing and giving you no clues as to what this shit smells like … so yeah … suck on that.” 

So there you have it. Perfume commercials are just naturally weird, I guess. Do I know what scent I want to wear? Not even a little. But there is one thing I do know … 

WHITE DIAMONDS!