Every lady has a “Secret Single Behavior,” to quote Carrie Bradshaw. Some of us may read trash magazines. Others may soak in a bath and stalk people on social media. In a relationship or not, we all have our shit. 

Mine is … the Kardashians. And mind you I’m admitting this to you all with my head hanging down in shame. I wish I could be like, “my SSB is popping my zits in my bathroom while listening to hardcore rap,” but alas that is not the case. I’m just a girl, admitting to my readers that I’m a freak of nature who is obsessed with the Kardashians. 

I’ve pretty much seen every episode of their show … like 100 times. Because who can resist a good Kardashian’s marathon on E!? Even if I’m doing something else, it is just good background noise. Oh, and I also LOVE playing the game of figuring out what they have had done to themselves over the years. It’s torturously fun.

I have like serious, in depth conversations with my best friend about the Kardashians (sorry Nicole, I’m totally blowing up your spot), like they are my nearest and dearest friends. The words, “Kourtney has really been an inspiration to me lately,” have really come out of my mouth. 

By the way, please feel free to throw things are your screen.

I downloaded Kim’s app … on my birthday because I had been resisting for so long that I felt it wouldn’t be AS bad if I downloaded it on my birthday (does that even make sense? I’m going to say no). I gave that family $2.99 out of my pocket. Could I have do something more productive with the $2.99? Oh 100% … I’m no fool. But God dammit I was sick of her teasers on Instagram and needed more … I ALWAYS NEED MORE. 

Her app sucked, by the way. I only kept it for a month. The only good thing was that she showed you where to buy her looks for less. That was dope. (A word I pretty much picked up from Kylie Jenner. I’m 29 … I should not be saying the word “dope” for the love of fuck). 

When I’m on the train, about to go to bed, or just bored, I’m always on their Instagram accounts. Why? Because why not. It is like staring at a spinning disco ball. Shiny things.

I pretty much never wear color anymore, and that is partially due to Kim Kardashian (seriously, feel free to delete me from your life forever). But I will stand up proudly and say the girl has a sick sense of style. She looks constantly uncomfortable, but her outfits are on point. Hell, if I had every designer in Paris making me custom looks, so would I. 

I totally live streamed Yeezy Season 3 on Tidal and screenshot-ed the shit out of it (see below). In the same breath I signed up for Tidal, even though I already subscribe to Apple Music, so I could listen to The Life of Pablo. Look, I realize Kanye is a crazy mother fucker, but my GOD the album is brilliant.

What other horrifying nonsense can I share with you? 

Oh! I’ve played Kim’s game before, although I never shelled out money to play it. If you need to put your brain on a shelf and just drool a little bit, it’s magical. 

But here’s what I HAVEN’T done. I have never adopted the word “Bible” into my lexicon, so I’m not THAT much of an asshole, right? RIGHT?!

I hope you haven’t lost TOO much faith in me. But I understand regardless.