PREFACE: I’m going to make this clear off the jump … I’m not really into politics. Especially during this presidential race. Seeing people post their strong opinions and tear apart others for theirs is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
But something that really ruffles my feathers during a presidential race is a candidate and their so-called “cool factor.” Hillary is a bitchy square who isn’t connecting with millennials and making them yawn, yet Bernie is SO RAD because he’s making everyone “feel the BERN!” Guess what fellow millennials? This is a perfect example of why everyone hates our guts.
Look, I didn’t vote for Barack Obama (or did I?! Staying politically ambiguous here) because he hangs out with Jayz and Beyonce, or because his wife wears designer clothes like a boss and mom dances with Jimmy Fallon. Those things don’t make a president. Those things make a reality star at best.
I want my candidate just like I like my mom: smart, sharp, and someone I’m a little afraid of. While my mom wasn’t exactly terrifying (try the opposite), I always knew her bottom line, and never crossed it, simply because I knew my life would suck if I did. I also trusted that she would keep me alive. You know, food, water, clothes, roof over my head. But did I want her to hangout with my friends and I? NO. I’m 29 and still loathe the fact my mom follows me on Instagram.
But tell me, fellow millennials, what do we want Hillary to do to be “cool”? Sit front row at New York Fashion Week with Anna Wintour? Rock something from Yeezy Season 3? The woman took a selfie with Kim Kardashian, for the love of fuck, isn’t that enough?
Because if she did all that shit … she would be this:
“I’m not a regular candidate, I’m a COOL candidate.” And all the millennials and young guns out there would be rolling their eyes like, “MOM … I mean Secretary Clinton, PLEASE STOP TALKING!” Regina George-style.
Henceforth why I could give a shit if Hillary is cool or not. She’s being herself, and that is a respectable thing. Rock the hell out of grandma ROYGBIV pants suits is what I say. As long as she is focused on taking care of the important things like, oh I don’t know, making sure ISIS doesn’t murder all of our faces, she can make me yawn all she wants.
So look, vote for whomever the fuck you want. I really couldn’t care less. Seriously don’t even share with me who you are supporting. I’ll scream. But please don’t oogle the fact that hip designers like Marc Jacobs are backing a certain candidate and don’t get behind someone because your favorite celeb told you to.
To the candidates out there: Be intelligent. Be focused. Be determined. And don’t give a fuck about being “cool.” Because look, future president, coming from an actual “millennial,” I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to hangout with you. I don’t want to follow you on Instagram or the SnapChats. I just want you to focus on keeping me employed, keeping my rights in tact, and stopping ISIS from murdering me. So nerd it up, is what I say.
BORING IS THE NEW BLACK.
Okay guys, first (and probably last) semi-political post complete. Feel free to rip me apart now.