Have you ever played Would You Rather? Would you rather have Cheeto fingers for the rest of your life or have to wear a sweater made of your own pubes every day? 

I’m not 100% sure, but I can almost guarantee that is how this new furry nail trend was birthed. It’s like some poor bastard lost and the Would You Rather Fairy was like, “welp sorry … you’re the millionth player and now you have to rock this trend forever.” And somehow it stuck. 

Which leads me to say … WHAT IS WRONG WITH US AS A SOCIETY?! 

Good God. 

I entertained the whole Pinterest nail craze. I never participated and wanted it to die in a fiery crash after a while, but I acknowledged its existence. I even kept my mouth shut during Kylie Jenner’s “Coffin Nail” craze. Which, just so you know, makes it completely IMPOSSIBLE to human. Type, open cans, put on makeup, button your clothes … you can literally do nothing but sit there and slowly click through apps on your iPhone to look super important. 

But these furry nails look like someone got their nails did and then seconds later decided to furiously pet a cat that was hardcore shedding. The thought of it actually makes my skin crawl. Literally as I’m writing this I’m trying not to vomit. 

Once again, how do you human with furry nails? Think about trying to eat something like a sticky bun :::gags violently::: How do you get the stickiness out of your nail hair :::gagging over the word nail hair:::: 

And the crumbs … oh lord, the crumbs. And forget showering! Does this mean when they get wet I have to blow dry my fucking nails, too?! Are you ACTUALLY kidding me?

Designers everywhere, listen up. I think we’ve hit a wall. I think we are all bored and starting to create stupid shit to out do one another. And you know what? We are better than that. 

Quite frankly I would rather see styles from the stone ages where dirt under your finger nails was considered high fashion then rocking a teddy bear’s ear hair on my nails. 

Normal women who aren’t a Kardashian want chic simplicity. We want something cool, but we also don’t want it to interfere with us getting from A to B. For example, I don’t want to have to think about the infectious diseases my furry nails will carry from touching the hand rail in the subway during my commute. That’s how the movie Contagion starts, my friends. Nope … not participating. 

So while I appreciate the “out of the box” thinking and risk taking, I’m going to forever shame the person who invented this. And God help me, if I see any of you rocking this trend, I swear I will slap you in public.

There are SO many more productive ways to make your look “edgier.” Get a piercing, dye your hair, get a tattoo, shave your head. But know there is absolutely nothing wrong with a classic manicure. NOTHING. It’s like Chanel, it will never go out of style.

While these furry nails … well, I hope by the time I hit “publish” on this post someone will have already set fire to this trend. Tim Gunn, I’m looking at you, bro. 

So forever and always I will be saying WHY over these furry nails. 

Excuse me I have to go vomit for real now.