Public Service Announcement

Own Your Shit

200_sIf you’re as worried as I am that it is the end of times, don’t worry, we can lay in the fetal position and hold each other whilst eating soft pretzels and chugging wine. 

I feel like every single morning my alarm goes off, I learn something new and awful that happened while I was sleeping. From horrifying terror attacks, to people just being stupidly mean to one another, to the more meaningless and ridiculous acts of Kim Kardashian posting footage of Taylor Swift approving “I made that bitch famous.” It’s always something. 

Everything just feels … off right now, right? All we can do is try to make this world a somewhat decent place to coexist. And I believe that starts with a little thing known as owning your shit. Yeah, I said it. I don’t care if you’ve sold 14 bazillion records, or are Sally Sunshine from Mississippi who eats rainbows and sparkles for dinner. Say it with me now … own your shit. 

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Oh you pretended like you were so offended by being called a “bitch” in a song, and then footage came out showing you originally approved it? Own it. A simple statement like, “yeah I’m an ass, I approved it. But to be honest, when it came out I changed my mind because you know what? It isn’t okay to be called a bitch. Sorry, guys,” would have stopped a lot of useless, dumbass drama. Here’s a little life secret I’ll share between me and you … ready? It’s totally okay to laugh at yourself. I do it daily. Shh don’t tell anyone. 

So you ate your co-workers sandwich and then denied it? Stop being a moron. “I ate your sandwich, coworker, because I was starving and thought it was mine even though I knew deep down it wasn’t. I’ll buy you lunch tomorrow to make it up to you.” Now people won’t stand around the water cooler talking about what a psychopath you are.

My favorite and yours, you plagiarized a speech from the first lady and then denied it. There is no getting around plagiarism kids, because you can’t deny words. Look, see below? Can’t deny that shit. But alas … the sky is green, not blue in the wonderful world of the Trumps. 

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Photo credit: CNN.com

Plagiarism scares the shit out of me. Since I was old enough to write a paper I was told if I stole material from another human, I would basically become the scum of the Earth with no future, and it would follow me around for the rest of my life (thanks, public school). 

Here’s what you do: Fire your entire team. Like every single person who touched the speech, looked at the speech, wrote the speech, breathed near the speech, was in the same room as the speech. Fuck it, fire the people who made the paper the speech was written on. Fire. Them. They are all idiots. 

THEN … apologize. Publicly. Especially to Michelle Obama, because you stole from her. Jewelry, words, souls, stealing is stealing. Suck it up, say you made a huge ridiculous mistake, and deal with the consequences. People will have more respect for you. 

I realize owning your shit seems easier than it looks. The embarrassment, remorse, and being put in the spotlight as the biggest ass to ever walk this Earth isn’t fun, I get it. But by saying you screwed up and apologizing, you can then shut the story down and start taking control of it. 

Look, I’m not perfect. I’m far from it, in fact. Like REALLY far from it. But when I mess up in my professional life, I own up to it. Because I’ve learned that all mistakes I’ve made have just forced me to become better at what I do. Instead of pointing fingers and throwing other innocent people under the bus, embrace that huge, ugly mistake, learn a lesson from it, and move on with your life. Same goes with my personal life. 

The world is a strange place right now, that’s an undeniable fact. So let’s stop acting like 5-year-olds, pulling one another’s hair and then screaming “SHE DID IT” on the playground. We’re adults, for the love of God. And not to sound like a rabid real housewife who is about to flip the God damn kitchen table but, OWN YOUR SHIT!

Republicans, democrats, Taylor Swift … I’m looking at all of you specifically.

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