I’m writing this post with my head down, covered in shame and disgust. I want ALL of you to know this. I hate myself just a little bit right now. 

:::sigh::: I purchased a Kylie Lip Kit :::shakes head::: Don’t look at me. 

Why? Well, I’ll be honest with you. I was drinking too much wine with my good friend, tried hers, and loved the color. I also tried to steal it (and failed). With all the hype, I couldn’t help but be curious. 

I was under the assumption these lip kits were so exclusive still. Like no one could get their paws on them, hence why I almost had a heart attack when I heard she had one (or maybe it was the alcohol… hmm). Like wasn’t her website crashing every other day due to demand a minute go? Or am I living in March of 2015? 

Turns out they aren’t exclusive anymore. Any slob can go onto her dumb website and buy any of the “normal” colors. If you want blue lips, though, you’re shit out of luck, ya freaks. 

So I pulled the trigger and got the KOKO K gloss. Sigh. I mean I can’t honestly deal with my life decisions. 

When it arrived at my house, my first reaction was, “what the fuck is this packaging?” It was a crappy, non-descript black box. No logo, no branding. I mean anything could have been in this damn box. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! For $17 per gloss, perhaps you could swing for more jazzy packaging, Kyles. No?

I opened the stupid box and was greeted with a large and in charge “KYLIE.” But I’ll give her this much, her branding is on point. So kodos to the rad designer who created her logo, because God knows it wasn’t Kylie Jenner. 

Then I gracefully lifted up the styrofoam, unenthused, only to find a postcard of a Kylie Jenner mugshot? In a Louis Vuitton head wrap and taas out and about? And her seductively holding a name plate that said “KINGKYLIE”? Will someone PLEASE tell me what any of this has to do with lip gloss? Please. 

I was so confused, and horrified, and couldn’t help but say to myself, “why in the blazing fuck did I waste over $20 on this dumb shit?” 

And then I turned the postcard over. There I found a note that looked like it was written by a child who was trying to work on her penmanship. Written, of course, by Ms. Kylie Jenner. I couldn’t help but wonder how many morons actually thought she had handwritten this note specially for them.

Also her punctuation on the note was 50 shades of fucked, so immediately I wanted to set fire to it. Kylie, you missed a period, dammit! “Let” should be initial CAP. AND there really isn’t a need for an ellipsis there. ARGH. Instead, I just threw it on the ground and kept going. I wanted my gloss, dammit. 

When I got to the gloss, and applied it to my lips, it was the most anti-climactic moment of life. It was just lip gloss. That’s all it was. My mind wasn’t blown. It never dried like it claimed to (my lips looked all juicy … VOM). And it didn’t stay on extra long. The minute my lips touched my wine glass it was coming off. 

And, upon contrary belief, one application did not turn me into a Kardashian. Shucks.

Color-wise it was pretty and looked nice on me, that’s for sure. And I mean, it didn’t smell weird? I really don’t know what else to say about it. 

All I know is I’m pretty sure you can find a better product, for a better price, and not pay over $8 in shipping. In fact I just got a great matte lip gloss from Ulta for $9. Check it. I even think they do a buy one, get one dealio. Aye, aye, aye, aye. 

The joke is on me, really. I just gave the Kardashian klan some of my hard-earned money, only to buy a lip gloss that I’m actually embarrassed to put on in public. Seriously. I mine as well be doing secret lines of coke on the train, but no, just applying my Kylie Lip Kit, don’t mind me! 

I can honestly say in this instance, curiosity DID almost kill the Kate.